How do I tell if she is for real or manipulative? Is it common for WS to be so deep in self-hate and shame that they become suicidal?
The reality is: you can’t know for sure. I’d usually say "trust your gut," but the stakes are too high for guesswork here. The safest path is to take the threats with absolute seriousness while simultaneously refusing to let them dictate your choices.
Make a firm decision on what you want and stick to it. This clarity nullifies the power of manipulation. Once your path is set, you can deal with her mental health crisis as a separate, medical/legal issue rather than a negotiation tactic.
It's clear she is not R material at this point. I don't feel safe living with someone who could kill themselves or perhaps me and our kids alongside.
If this is your final assessment, you need to speak with a legal expert immediately. If you have concluded she is not "R material," then Marriage Counseling is a waste of resources. If you truly believe she is capable of becoming a family annihilator, you must act expeditiously to protect yourself and your children.
Reviewing these statements in a vacum, probably won't get you to the truth, but her is my take:
"I fucked everything up" – Accurate. This is the bare minimum of self-awareness. Most cheaters with even a morsel of conscience would say this.
"I can't live with the fact that I killed my baby" – A heavy admission, and a natural feeling given the circumstances.
"I hate myself deeply" – Understandable. Consequences are a mirror.
"I hate you because you never paid enough attention to me" – This is classic blameshifting. It’s a hallmark of manipulation to make her choices your fault.
"I am tired of 'working on the marriage' and do all the things you ask me to do..." – She admits she ruined everything, yet resents the effort required to fix it? If she accepts the guilt but refuses the remedy, the conversation is over.
"I have already tried my best, and yet you always say it's not enough." – Sometimes "one's best" simply isn't sufficient for the task at hand. If I gave my "best" on the pitch, I still wouldn't be playing center forward for Newcastle United.
"I am only holding together because if I give up, our marriage is over, and our kids will have to live in a fragmented family." – This is a guilt trip. She fragmented the family; she is now trying to make you responsible for the final break.
"If you call my mother (who already knows everything), I will jump out of the window right now." – This is pure, high-level manipulation. It’s the adult version of holding one's breath until they turn blue to get their way.
"Why don't I have the right to be suicidal and have to worry about your feelings" – She is prioritizing her "right" to a crisis over the trauma she caused you. This shows a complete lack of empathy.
"I have my own needs, and I am not getting those needs met when I give my everything to repair you." – She thinks she is "giving her everything"? You clearly don't agree. Perhaps her bar for 'everything' the bar is tragically low.
"I am more than exhausted. I have burned myself up, and you are still not satisfied." – Again, refer to the Newcastle United analogy. Effort does not equal results, especially when the effort is begrudged.
"I hate myself for bringing our baby into a broken family." – A logical consequence of her actions.
"I have given everything to our family for 10+ years... and I went from a blooming flower to a wilted flower that is now covered in shit." – This is a "victim narrative" setup. She’s suggesting that her domestic labor entitled her to step outside the marriage.
Sometimes, I wonder why I am still bothering with this after WW's affair and her deep emotional brokenness.
Because you are a decent person trying to do the "right" thing. The problem is that toxic people often use a good person's decency as a handle to pull them around.
[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:14 AM, Tuesday, May 12th]
