BH (me)
Married 10, together 13
2 kids
Dday 6/25
4mo PA (during pregnancy and later had a miscarriage) and broke NC
6mo trickle truth

Suicidal WW

Long time reader, first time poster

I need some guidance on what I should do if the WW becomes suicidal sometimes when I make a snarky comment or share my pain about her infidelity, deception, and disrespect. I have gone through enough of her suicidal episodes that I associate her suicidal thoughts with extreme selfishness and cowardness. How do I tell if she is for real or manipulative? Is it common for WS to be so deep in self hate and shame that they become suicidal? It's clear she is not R material at this point. I don't feel safe living with someone who could kill themselves or perhaps me and our kids alongside.

It has been a year since the first D day and a few months since the last D day. We have been in MC for 6 months, and I am ambivalent about whether I should try the reconciliation. In the interim, we have started the legal separation process. WW has been in IC for almost a year and transitioned to a new IC a few months ago.

WW was 2 months pregnant when first engaged in PA, had multiple ER trips due to massive bleeding, and ended up miscarrying the baby. After I found out about the affair (WW initially claimed it was not physical), she broke NC and continued the PA until getting caught by OS. Soon after, she discovered she was pregnant again. She kept the PA details for 4 months (thinking she would tell me on her deathbed) and eventually confessed after feeling it would be unfair for me to live in a lie. DNA testing later confirmed that I am the father. Our baby is due in a few weeks.

For the last few months, whenever I brought up my pain,

WW would have a meltdown, from verbally voicing her suicidal thoughts, to holding a knife, to calling the suicide hotline. Things she would say:

1. I fucked everything up

2. I can't live with the fact that I killed my baby

3. I hate myself deeply

4. I hate you because you never paid enough attention to me

5. I am tired of "working on the marriage" and do all the things you ask me to do (things in the "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" book, such as showing consistent love and care and writing me a few sentences of a love letter every week)

6. I have already tried my best, and yet you always say it's not enough.

7. I am only holding together because if I give up, our marriage is over, and our kids will have to live in a fragmented family.

8. If you call my mother (who already knows everything), I will jump out of the window right now.

9. Why don't I have the right to be suicidal and have to worry about your feelings

10. I have my own needs, and I am not getting those needs met when I give my everything to repair you.

11. I am more than exhausted. I have burned myself up, and you are still not satisfied.

12. I hate myself for bringing our baby into a broken family.

13. I have given everything to our family for 10+ years (WW did shoulder the bulk of child care and housework when I worked 100+hrs/week for the last 3 years), and I went from a blooming flower to a wilted flower that is now covered in shit.

Every time she recovers from these suicidal episodes, she would swear up and down that she is not suicidal anymore. I have voiced my concerns to her and our MC over and over. I feel her emotional capacity to face the consequences of her activities and process all the shame and self-hatred is still significantly lacking. I also admit that sometimes my snarky comment was also pretty pointy. I have been working on that and have dialed down the frequency significantly. Her OB has diagnosed her with depression. Pre-affair, she had also mentioned suicides in heated exchanges and disagreements.

She does not want to go to any outpatient or inpatient psychiatrist or take anti depression pills. Today MC requested me to stop all affair related discussions outside of therapy until the baby is born.

Sometimes, I wonder why I am still bothering with this after WW's affair and her deep emotional brokenness.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, May 12th, 2026