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Morbs

I don't think the most prudent decision would have been disclosure against her will... A husband who leads well must recognize the limits of his authority, and one of those limits is his wife's personal autonomy.

I can't answer for Unconventional. But if I were in his situation, I would have done the same thing. And if I were answering the above for myself, I would say the following.

"I gladly have crossed what you consider my wife's personal autonomy ...for her own good. She will thank me one day. I won't be swayed by her objections, or by the opinions of those who exalt autonomy as the chief determinator. I have revealed this to our professional therapist, who abides by strict ethical standards. Let the chips fall where they may...I will have no regrets in this matter."

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I would love to know what she thinks about it.

Idk if this is relevant or not, but I remember when I was still in high school and being promiscuous with a bunch of older men, and one had SA'ed me, and I was still trying to process that and deal with the consequences... I knew my parents didn't approve of my choices and I didn't want to tell them what had happened. But when I went for STD testing afterwards-- which was a whole fiasco of having to bike several miles on dangerous roads just to get to a bus stop, then having to navigate the bus system to get into the city and get to the free clinic, because I was broke and didn't have a car and again didn't want to ask my parents for help or use our insurance because that would mean I had to tell them what happened, that I hadn't wanted sexual contact without a condom... Anyway, the clinic mailed the results and my parents saw, and they tried to have an intervention with me and I wanted nothing to do with them, and I just shouted at them that I had been SA'ed and to STFU and leave me alone, and that disclosure was not exactly voluntary... Just felt real bad, man. It was one of those times where I went and shut myself in the pitch black of my closet and plugged up my ears because sensing anythingin the moment was just too much, and wished I could just will myself out of existence.

That's something people ought to have control over.

I can't answer for Unconventional. But if I were in his situation, I would have done the same thing. And if I were answering the above for myself, I would say the following.

Sexual abuse is deeply traumatizing, whether it’s through violent imposition or emotional manipulation it does leave deep scars on a person.

Is not something you feel comfortable telling others even closed ones. I experienced it in childhood and I experience it later with infidelity, neither of both felt comfortable to tell anyone.

Weirdly enough it is similarly been disclosed to my wayward, possibly as a search of empathy after what she did. One point for her: she didn’t violate that trust ever.

Because intimate wounds like these cause a destruction of trust and issues with attachment.

Talking about that wound with a person is therapeutic as it is bringin it out to the surface.
Having that person encourage you to address it in therapy is a good thing.

The end result of addressing the unresolved issue is a net positive for the abuse victim.

Disclosing it against their will is simply another betrayal, and will leave another wound.