Maybe detaching and observing is the only sane thing I can do right now. Not because I do not care, but because caring has had me carrying too much of this. Her work has to be hers. My healing has to be mine.
Yes.
I know it’s hard because you can love.
But you must leave emotionally for her to realize she misses you.
I am assuming she loves you here (in her broken and twisted way) but I got that feel. Undisputed you loved her and you are likely still in part, and in part attached to your bleeding past attachment(the torn feelings is from this).
And this line clues me about the puzzle
I think there was a misunderstanding, she has left. She doe not care I am on.
She is avoidant isn’t she?
If my hunch is right detachment is the only way she will feel the abyss her issues are causing, the only hope she will finally abandon her shadow comfort zone and jump out and through the gap.
I know it’s hard for you and even harder for her to become brave all of a sudden.
She might get there eventually, but you might be long gone.
Mind this is the hunch I got from you and your wife since the start, I said nothing for you were in chaos.
I feel you are getting clarity, forgive me if I threw it harsh right now, I sense you wish time could turn back and life rewritten (I used to as well), I would thumb you up if you find yourself again (you + her).
Now is not there, not yet at least.
What I feel is you will find peace, I see and recognize your path, and while you are still climbing barefoot on swords tips I know how distant you are from the soft grass summit, so I am confident you are getting there.
Hey I stopped for a while to fucking stomp the sword tips! 
you are climbing with determination , at some point there’s a leap and it’s over.
No pain and peace
