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Last week my whole world shattered. It started when a prescription to a pill called PrEP, which reduces the risk of getting HIV, showed up at my door addressed to my husband. When confronted he denied that he had ever signed up and it must have been a mistake on the part of the doctors office. After digging for evidence, it has been a series of 6 days in a row of trickle truth from my husband. Each day I dig, I find something new to confront him with. He admits only to what I have concrete evidence for. Turns out he has had an addiction to porn since high school when we met. It has continued all throughout our 15 years of marriage. Within the last few years the porn addiction turned into finding random people to sleep with on hook up apps. I have found evidence of 5 different people, but without concrete evidence I cannot be sure there were not more. We are high school sweethearts and have three children together aged 4, 10, and 12. I am completely devastated. He says he wants to change and get help, but I am torn between supporting him through his journey to healing and just ending the relationship. In all honesty, the relationship has been very far from healthy for a long time. Everything was always turned around and blamed on me. After researching I have stumbled across DARVO and trauma bonds. From what I've read it describes our relationship perfectly. It has been years and years of the same cycle over and over again. This time though with all the evidence out in the open he cannot blame me.

I feel stuck. I'm alone with just him and our children far away from any family. I am completely dependent on him financially and emotionally. I have no friends to lean on or help me in anyway. I do not know if I should believe him when he says he will change. He has made some good effort to start the process by finding support groups and reaching out to start therapy. He has also allowed me to track his phone. I want to give him a chance to change but I do not think I could take another heartbreak down the road if it fails. I also don't know how I could trust him to tell me the truth moving forward since nothing I found out came willingly from him. It was forced out through my investigation. He kept this side of him hidden from me for 20 years. Yes there were red flags, but they were always explained away and it was turned around into making me think I was just paranoid and crazy. What if he starts back up and I'm blind to it again? How many years might it take this time for me to find out now that he knows he needs to be even more careful? I'm just lost. Do I give him a chance? And even if I do what does that look like? He is living in a detached guestroom out behind our house at the moment. We only communicate through text about our children. Our son's birthday is coming up and we were supposed to spend the day at the lake, do I let him join? It will be quite awkward being together all day and not speaking, but do I really just brush it all under the rug and act like nothing happened? I guess I'm just looking for some guidance and outside opinions as to where to go from here.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for any advice you have on how to move forward.

I’m sorry you have had to join this site but you will receive great support and advice based on our shared experiences as a betrayed spouse.

There are some great articles in the Healing Library here at Surviving Infidelity (SI). Also look for people who have experienced spouses with a porn addiction in the I Can Relate section.

I would strongly suggest that you do not allow this to be swept under the rug. As an addiction you have many challenges ahead that should be faced. But allowing him to continue to DARVO and blame you and lie to you must be addressed as well as that is one of his character flaws. A big red flag is that he has not been honest and only admits to things you have uncovered.

Only you can decide what is best for you. I’d suggest seeing an attorney or two to learn your rights if you divorced. Obviously he would be required to pay alimony and child support. But I understand your fear of being left to struggle financially if he decided not to pay or is resentful of being forced to pay.

Now might be a good time to create a plan b for yourself. Get some $ in your own name. Get a credit card or two in your own name as well. Get copies of all financial documents, including tax returns, so you have proof of assets and you know what you may be entitled to.

Keep posting here. You will get great advice.

Agree 100% with everything 1stwife said.
I'm so sorry you're here and that the life you thought you knew is no longer.

I'm going to be honest with you - your situation sounds very bad. If you found evidence of 5 people, what haven't you found?
I believe that almost any marriage can be salvaged but the danger that your husband put you in is not easily forgivable, and the fact that he is still withholding evidence is not a good sign. If you stay, expect months of gaslighting and additional trauma.

I would seek legal counsel immediately.
I am praying for you and your children.

Drowning, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. What a nightmare.

You’ve only been in this for one week, so here are some practical things you should do:

1) Take care of yourself physically. That means making sure to eat (we all know you’ve had no appetite since you found out); staying hydrated; and importantly, getting exercise. You’re probably having trouble sleeping. Exercise will help with that. If it’s not enough, talk to your doctor about sleeping pills. Also talk to him about anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication as well.

2) Get an STD test. If you WH is taking PrEP, then you need to be tested too. I assume he’s getting tested? Insist on seeing the results from him, don’t let him tell you he’s clean.

3) Talk to a lawyer like the 1stWife said. Right now you have a lot of fear of the unknown future. So start removing some "unknowns". Talk to the lawyer to take the mystery out of it. You’re not committing to anything, you’re just learning. Ask your lawyer how to protect your assets. Obviously your WH is very good at hiding things from you. You need to have access to all your financial accounts.

4) He needs the right kind of help if he’s a real sex addict. There was a recent thread here by a woman who discovered that her WH was an SA. I’m copy-pasting some advice she got:

He needs a CSAT ( therapist who deals with sex addiction )

With csat a therapeutic disclosure followed by a polygraph ( don’t skip this part and your/ his csat can recommend one )

Treatment

Sex addiction is highly treatable but he must do the work. It’s a boundary you set - "I will not make any decisions right now IF you do the above - if not it will show me you aren’t committed to healing "

For YOU
STD testing

Support from trusted friends
Apply to become a member at WeTonglen a vetted online resource and support for betrayed spouses and steps u need to take. You needed a betrayal trauma coach or therapist. WeTonglen has free webinars , daily online support groups. This is where u need to be

Recovery is possible but it’s a lot of hard work. Takes 3-5 years. You are in the worst part know - I’d say first two yrs

Lastly , sex addiction affects you but is not about u. He can love u and do this. It’s not even about sex , it’s about dopamine and probably his trauma.

5) It looks like you’re instinctively applying the 180. The 180 is good for protecting you emotionally, and for removing your emotional dependence on him. For more information, check out the Healing Library. You also need to see a therapist yourself. Find one that specializes in betrayal trauma.

6) If you’re not comfortable being around him, then don’t let him come to the Lake. I personally think it’s good for him to suffer some consequences for his 20 years(!) of betrayal.

7) I’m glad you already know not to trust him. He’s clearly continuing to hide things from you. You’re thinking about giving him another chance, but you can’t do that without a full accounting of what he’s done. You can’t forgive what you don’t know.

Here are two threads for you to read though:

Pugnamedyoda’s, which I already quoted from: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/666893/husband-cheated-on-me-with-escorts/?ap=1

Sigyn’s thread. At this point we have to be concerned that your WH might be like hers. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=658109&HL=80576