SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pete, that's huge. I'll bet you felt a huge wave of relief that she did that.

My wife did the same, and like I said, I haven't even looked in a long time. I don't want to be a marriage warden either, but it sure was a great way for her to show transparency and made me feel a lot safer.

Your post just brightened up my morning a little bit. I can imagine what that did for you.

It certainly was.

And I'm doing my best not to think that she's taken anything "underground" as was suggested earlier this thread. I hope she hasn't dug in on keeping the affair going.

But time will tell and we'll see what happens moving forward.

For now I'm going to try and heal a bit, keep doing therapy and hope she keeps going too. I know she's not terribly fond of her current therapist, and I've mentioned that she can find another caregiver whenever, but I'm glad she's trying.

Just posting here because my wife’s at work now. She did tell me it’s a busy night since they had the World Cup on and that’s a good thing for making money of course. She told him not to come into the brewery, but I’m struggling a bit with the "mini mind movies" here, just seeing him in there and her not telling me…

How do you all deal with those feelings/moments like this? How do you quiet your mind?

Relatable. The mind movies are/were a major source of pain early on.

I can't say it will help you, but i had to accept that there is NOTHING about infidelity that was my (as a BP) fault. In my case, her actions are/were her actions and her choice. Once i actually got that, they became easier to handle. If she chooses to continue with behavior that i can't accept, then i need to take steps to get me out of that situation.

I figured out what i can and cant live with, communicated this and observed behavior over a period of time.

And they are "only" in your mind (mindmovies), reality might be that she is behaving as a model WS.

Dont make permanent decision on mindmovies or temporary issues.

English isn't my first language, apologies if i sound like i am making excuses for your partner or sound/read like i am downplaying the matter at hand.
I'm happy to try and elaborate if need be.

I'm very happy to hear that your wife is offering concessions to make you feel safer.
That is a good sign.

Continue to watch her actions and to trust your gut.

I just had to accept that if she was going to cheat, she was going to cheat.

It was a little more difficult for me because they were co workers. Opposite shifts, and different departments, but I KNEW they were going to see each other.

I just had to partly take her word for it and pay attention to her actions. She came up with an action plan that involved a different exit/entrance that avoided his area, and the fact that she was leaving when he was coming in helped. They weren't around each other all day. He eventually ended up getting fired and trespassed, so that was a nice little event.

Your wife is being proactive right now and thats a good sign. As far as the Mind movies and intrusive thoughts go, I don't have much for you there. I just had to endure it. That will eventually, slowly get better over time.

Pete why can’t you go to the brewery when she’s working? Probably be a fun place to watch the World Cup.

Maybe show up unannounced to see if he’s there…

Hi petecarparts, sorry to jump all the way back to the start of this post but I'm getting these feelings in my own process at the moment:

Do I actually just pity my wife/partner for how she's acted and how she feels?

And the worry that I'm being too lenient.

Reading your experience and reactions as the situation has developed so far, I think you've done amazingly well both staying grounded as you wanted to, while also holding your W accountable. I think you should be so proud of yourself. Giving yourself space, taking time to learn and talk with others. It's so painful, but it sounds like you're doing everything right by yourself so far. Power to you!

Thank you everyone for checking in and offering your feelings again.

I’m really struggling today, I have a feeling my wife’s withholding something. Maybe it’s just me being suspicious, but I don’t know.

It just hurts so much, I was put in this position and I don’t know how much more of the limbo state I can take.

I know recovery and reconciliation take a long time, but right now I don’t think I can do it.

Where do I go from here?

Is it worth it to ask her "what if it was me who cheated? How would that make you feel?"

[This message edited by petecarparts at 12:32 AM, Saturday, July 4th]

If those questions are worth it to you, they're worth it.

Did you check out the 2 books I recommended at the start of this thread? One of them was "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. I think a good exercise for you and your wife could be getting the audio version and listen it together. It's just over 2 hours long so you could reasonably listen to the whole thing in one sitting. I did that with my wife and it really opened her eyes. It's packed with good info about the damage affairs do and talks about the things she can be doing to try and help you heal. It's a very good read for people in our situation.

Listening to it together was a pretty powerful experience for us. I got to see her body language and facial expressions as we listened. At one point she started crying. It really drills home the devastation and pain we BS' go through with this crap. Maybe it'll move her and she'll open up some more. You can pause it and discuss any of the sections as you're listening if something really resonates with you. That book was a turning point for my wife.

ETA: If I recall correctly, she also talks about the importance of full disclosure and the damage trickle truth causes. That might be a good section to pause and ask her if you know everything.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:30 AM, Saturday, July 4th]

Thank you for responding friend.

I did check the books out and I’m thinking about getting the audio version of them both.

I do think at some point soon. I will have to ask the newer questions that I’ve had in my head. I still don’t know what will happen here, but whether it’s with her or without her at some point, I will at least be moving forward.

Forgot to mention before:

It’s her birthday next week. I have gifts I purchased months ago, we have had a trip planned since January (none of which is refundable) and I’m not sure what to do here.

I want to take this trip still, because there’s actually a lot I wanted to see where we’re going but I don’t know what to do.

Have you gotten what you feel is a full disclosure? Have you had "the talk" with her yet? What all have you found out? This is turning into a fairly long thread and I don't remember if you learned anything new from the beginning or if there were any further revelations. Have you asked some hard questions?

By this point in the game I had raked my wife over the coals with questions and told her of all of my suspicions. I had drilled her with all of my questions and reached the point of calling divorce lawyers, dragged the truth out of her and laid down the law. Making those calls really snapped her out of the fog and she was all over wanting to do anything it would take to save our marriage. Including admitting to some things she was withholding, sending a no contact message, and blocking him on everything. That was another huge turning point for her and I.

I don't know if you're willing to go that far, or how your wife might react, but I can only speak from my personal experience. I know one thing tho, it really let me know where we stood with each other. If making those calls was the end of our marriage then so be it. I wasn't willing to live the way we had been for the month leading up to it. I wanted the truth and I wanted to know if she was going to step up or not, and I wanted to know right there and then. I was resigned to losing my marriage of that's what it took to get out of infidelity.

As far as her birthday and the trip goes, you're just going to have to decide if that's something you want to do. I think you should see if your wife is willing to sit with you for a couple of hours and get that audio book sooner rather than later. I know one thing, nothing is going to change of you don't start facilitating some changes. I think that book could be a good first step. I think her reaction to it might tell you a lot. It might helpmyou make your mind up on some of these questions you have.

Just wanted to say I agree with Pogre on the audiobook - more because it will force some time to sit down together more than anything. Plus, if the 'talk' is getting dragged out or you/her physically or mentally don't feel ready yet, this could serve as the ice-breaker towards that. Even if you both sit there with notepads and don't talk much, it just allows some shared realisations to start to come together.

My WS and I have bought a notebook which we're using as a journal. This is allowing us to get down some stuff that still feels quite raw and frightening to say out loud. We're mutually reading each other's pages. It's feeling a bit like MC-lite.

The holiday is difficult. I think (and this is just me) I would have the talk beforehand, with the boundary that if something new comes to light then the nature of the trip might change. Maybe you have together and apart days, for example? Of course this depends where you're going, logistics-wise.

Please go easy on yourself, friend. It's so hard.

@Pogre

We’ve had more conversations, I keep coming up with questions and I wouldn’t say I’ve "raked her over the coals" but I’ve definitely taken her by surprise with some of these conversations and without time to prepare she’s had to answer me and defend herself. The last one we had was about how she didn’t tell me he was coming into the brewery where she works and that’s when I stood up for myself and made sure she knew that this was the time, if there was anything else I needed to know about she had better tell me, or that’s it. I’ve not made a statement such as "I’m moving out and that’s it" or "i’m going to file for divorce" but I think she’s aware that those are very real possibilities, even if she does everything right.

Okay.

Now, I want you to know that I'm not trying to nudge you to say you're leaving or threaten divorce. I only share with you what seemed to work on my wife with me. Everyone is different. Maybe you have all of the details and she's not stringing you along like my wife did. I don't know you or her.

I will say that if the time comes and you do want to say something like that, make sure you mean it. Don't make empty threats or say you'll be out the door until you're really ready to do it. Empty bluffs without follow through might just blow up in your face. So don't do what I did unless you're really prepared to go through with it if you don't get the response you're looking for. It certainly doesn't need to be your first go-to move. That said, I get the impression you're not there right now anyway. I just wanted to clarify that. I'm probably coming across like a bull in a China shop to you, lol.

I do think the audio book would be a good idea tho. As TakingSmallSteps pointed out, it would be a great way for you and her to have some real time to sit down together and hopefully crack some of the ice you seem to be sensing between you. It might open up some new lines of communication and start some real and deep conversations where you can both get some of those more difficult feelings out on the table. Hopefully it can spark a new, deeper level of communication between you two.

Whatever happens, even of I come across a little strong, I'm hoping the best for you man. I really just want to help you light a way out of this darkness. I know what you're going through, brother. I really do. You've been heard.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:07 PM, Saturday, July 4th]

If your gut is still trying to tell you something, listen to it! Everybody here is going to tell you they wished they had listened to it more! Follow where it leads you.