SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would have to say it wasn’t for me, there was nothing there by that stage as everything blasted open when I informed obs, beyond confirming some dates and times the whole experience left me somewhat empty.

Of course, I had (unknowingly) already met him previously as my fww had this idea that we could have been friends in another life.

It did reinforce to me though that the things she did for him that she denied me in our marriage said more about her than him - he was the willing participant, but by then I could see he was no prize for her!

At the time he and obs like fww and I were trying to reconcile, so the meeting of me and ap and fww and obs was part of that… I can’t really say I got much from it. The only thing was the satisfaction of being able to call him out as the f-king a-hole he is to his face.

Even years later I can’t fathom why she felt the need to give freely to him so many things I had begged for and been denied for the length of our marriage. I hope one day she can work it out for herself.

AN.

I would tend to agree with 5Decades bottom line. I've never contacted an AP, and I probably wouldn't. I just would expect them to be angry or hostile or just say nasty stuff to me to be competitive and hurtful. It may not always work out like that but I would not want to add shit from an AP on top of my shit parfait from a spouse. The OBS, yes, they should know if you can tell them, but not the AP. Sometimes it works out and is beneficial but I think it's a BIG IF and it could really hurt you badly. A lot of people suggest a polygraph if they don't feel they've had all the information. I don't know how effective they are but that's something to consider. If it were me, I'd tell my spouse....and I have told him, LOL, that you better tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth, because I'm going to find out eventually, I'll pursue it if I have to, and I will know what the truth is. It's amazing how the truth comes out, in often unexpected ways and times. So....it's better for you, WS to tell me the truth now, get the whole thing off your chest, because if I find out later on....that's gonna bust us up.
I assume you've already tried to get info from phones, computers, online accounts etc. Ultimately if you can't trust her to tell you the truth herself......you can't trust her, period. And how can you live with that?

AspectNorth, I studied your story a bit, because I had similar questions about why my GF was some way with me and different with her crushes. In my case the story wasn't so crazy, there was no religious plot, but in the essence exGF was far more open to fun with them and very controlling with me. She suffered a long time due to loosing control over me, even though she was with the next couple of guys. I know how her life evolved, because our mothers were friends and we had some common friends and I came to the conclusion that she's not able to have fun, especially sexual fun with a serious peer. It needs to be a superficial relationship. Once she opens up too much in more serious aspects, she starts to treat the guy like a pet, not like a partner or lover. It is a pattern for a lot of cheaters and can hit very hard into the self esteem of the betrayed until you understand their modus operandi. A great fling, but a lousy life partner.

On another forum a guy who is trying to reconcile asked his wife why she doesn't want to be intimate with him, but threw herself on another guy. The answer was, because with you it is serious and with him it was not. He gets punished for being her husband. Sad.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 11:54 PM, Wednesday, March 25th]