sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:52 PM on Wednesday, February 4th, 2026
I don't understand how you see an opening for R. Will you say more about that.
She blames you for feeling unsafe. Cheating, drinking, and withdrawing seem to be her chosen cures. R is impossible unless she changes. Maybe she'll change overnight ... but maybe she won't change unless and until she hits her rock bottom. What is she doing to make measured changes that will keep her form hitting rock bottom?
Gently, so not let fear keep you from acting in your best interests. Most of that ear, I bet, is fear of the unknown, and there's no way to prevent that. None. You simply have to decide to act even though you're scared.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
OhItsYou ( member #84125) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, February 4th, 2026
That part of you that thinks her "unsafe" comment is bullshit? Listen to that part. That’s the part of you that is rebelling against your codependent ways.
I am not codependent on anyone. If I had a WW say something like that to me, I would probably choke from laughing too hard. It’s complete, utter bullshit.
Pogre ( member #86173) posted at 9:20 PM on Wednesday, February 4th, 2026
This feels dangerously close to, if not, the unmet needs fallacy. You cannot affair proof your marriage if the thing she desires is illicit sex, even if she still gets eros from you. She gets eros from another too! It's a bottomless pit for many cheaters (man or woman).
The bolded led me on a search that wound up at an older post by Theevent on this very site. It's not a perfect analogy, none are, but it's pretty close.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/664692/unmet-needs/
Where am I going... and why am I in this handbasket?
Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 11:53 PM on Wednesday, February 4th, 2026
I am pulling for you to find the strength to make a decision based upon the overwhelming amount of evidence you have from the past several years.
If she miraculously changes after you start or finish with your D, you can always date her again at that point if you choose. In fact, D may be the only thing that wakes her up from her self obsessed behavior. Nothing else has ever moved her in the slightest, has it?
still-living ( member #30434) posted at 2:33 AM on Thursday, February 5th, 2026
Rivers,
I generally lobby for reconciliation but……Your second to last post on this thread still having hope reminds me of the boiling frog analogy. Your WW not wanting sex, still blaming you for her problems, setting up a secret bank account, and still drinking, all after two years of trying to reconcile, are significant red flags.
Your WW has serious problems. She is using you. You deserve better. Get out, focus on IC, and forget everything your MC told you. No mater what your WW says, don’t give in, because remember, she is also a liar.
SL
