SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story is in my bio.

First time posting on here. I was recommended to join for support and advice.

As it stands now I'm 90% out of the marriage. A lot of the time over the last few weeks I've just wanted her to leave.

Not because I don't want us to work.

I just don't know if she's being honest when she says she wants to try.

I don't know what to expect from her which is the problem I think. There isn't really a handbook for this.

I don't know if she has cut contact with her AP. I've not told her to or made any demands at all. It needs to be her choice.

She did say she's cut contact and told him. But I just dont believe that someone who messaged her multiple times a day. Who activly tried to make me want to leave her and who told her he loves her many times would just go "ok I won't contact you again"

So either shes not cut contact or shes lying about him still contacting her or hes got amazing self restraint.

I'm not checking her phone or her messages and I know that may be some people's idea of the wrong thing to do. But I cant rebuild trust if I'm not prepared for it to be broken.

We start couples therapy on Tuesday. Organised originally by her as its covered by her work.

We're on a short break away together with the kids right now as we are keeping things normal for them. And we thought it would be good just to get away for a bit.

Its been a tough week. Because of the accommodation we're sharing a bed. She picked the accommodation which I took as a positive sign. But while we've shared a bed there is a definite barrier there. There's not even accidental touching. I did bring it up and said it's like she can't even bring herself to touch my hand. Her answer was not wanting to give false hope before we know where we are.

I'm not sure exactly what to expect but she just feels cold and that had been how she was before d day. Which now i know was because she had a relationship and doing anything with me felt like cheating ironically. Shes not said that. It's how I interrupted the situation.

Roll on couples therapy so maybe we can get some useful tools to have conversations and understand each other's thoughts. Not expecting a magic fix. I just want a neutral third party to help facilitate these conversations without us falling into silence (me mainly) or shifting the conversation (her mainly).

She is still in the affair emotionally. There is nothing you can do. You can threaten or plead but ultimately it is her decision. You do have options. The one you have chosen now, or you can file for divorce. It is what you can live with. It sounds like hell to be told by your spouse not to touch her.
Please take care of your health. Your body is living with stress, which is cumulative, and dangerous long term.
I am so sorry this has happened.

You don’t really give us much to work with...
Like... Do they have reason to be in contact in any way or form? For example are they coworkers, common friends, shared hobby....
How did you discover the affair? Like did she tell you about it or you find out?

What has she done to herself to heal from the affair? Most of us here on SI insist that an affair is always/mainly due to a fault in the wayward spouse. Often it’s a form of validation. Things like a bad marriage or lack of romance or whatever can add to the WS having an affair, but it always boils down to a conscious decision by the WS to cross that line.

It is rare that an affair just cuts off like that.
Neither you nor she can prevent the OM from contacting her, but what she can control is her response. We usually recommend that any attempted contact is shared, and that active actions are taken to prevent it. Things like blocking his number, auto-deleting emails and so on. If he were to persist, we recommend a no-contact letter. It’s a relatively formal, totally unemotional letter, delivered in an accountable way (signed delivery) where she requests he doesn’t contact her, and threatens legal action if he persists.

In my Bio it goes into more detail.

They used to work in the same building.

Ive never met him but knew of him from what shes said over the years. I even helped him find another job when he was made redundant last year by passing on his details to someone I know.

I think even then they were emotionally involved. Not sure exactly when physical started as ive no idea what are lies and what's the truth.

How did you discover the affair? Like did she tell you about it or you find out?

You might want to read his bio, as he said in his OP. This question is answered there.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.
Young kids and half term holidays, not touching. My WW freezes when I get near her. Exactly as you say I think it’s cause she feels it is cheating - on the OM!
I am going through this now. It’s horrific. I’m only staying for the children.
My WW still refuses to admit to the A (with proof).
Just trying to build my strength to file for D.
I see you are in UK, me too.
Happy to speak on private chat or email/phone as our situation is so similar.
This stuff is heartbreaking.
We need support

Your wayward wife is an adult. Adults aren’t helpless and google is a thing. If she was remorseful and wanted to save the marriage thirty minutes on the internet could have her hip deep in recovery options. Standard texts like How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and Not Just Friends would be on her nightstand. She’d have written a timeline of her affair. She’d be transparent with her phone and social media to begin rebuilding trust and verify no contact.

I don't know if she has cut contact with her AP. I've not told her to or made any demands at all. It needs to be her choice.

This I don’t understand. If you have requirements for reconciliation you need to be clear about them. Of course it’s no use trying to drag her through R but you need to advocate for yourself.

Happy to speak on private chat or email/phone as our situation is so similar.

Just keep in mind that any contact outside of this site is beyond any ability this site can have to maintain your anonymity. Reaching out to others is totally on you.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are really good information. There are some posts that aren't pinned that have bull's eye icons that are really good, too. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and another good source of information.

Intimate partner betrayal is brutal and the way you found out is also brutal. IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist may be helpful. If you're having trouble with sleeping or depression, you can ask your doctor for some meds. You should be tested for STDs/STIs to be on the safe side.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a nice blueprint your WW (wayward wife) could follow. Another good resource is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

She should be NC (no contact) with him, find another job, get tested for STDs/STIs, provide a written timeline of the A (affair) with dates and her thoughts at the time. She needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner.

So sorry that you're here.

OK... That’s some bio in your profile.

Highly stressful job. OM works in another building (so I’m guessing comparable career). OM is a long-time friend.
I’m guessing in the medical field?
Not that it really matters.

A couple of pointers:
There isn't really a handbook for this.

Well... true but not true.
There is intense experience that shows what tends to work and what not. It’s not golden, it’s not like if we suggest that your wife sends OM a formal NC letter (something we generally recommend) that neither she nor he will get in contact again, but we can probably claim that about 8 out of 10 of those that follow generally accepted guidelines on this site get out of infidelity.

One thing that our experience indicates is that you are on the right track in having HER do the work. Like SHE needs to cut off contact.
What you are not doing correctly is stating what YOU want and what YOU are going to do.
Like... I’m guessing you WANT no contact. I guess that includes phones, texts, direct contact, work contact... You need to make that clear to her, and then it’s her task to assure you it’s been done.

But I guess the main thing you want is to be out of infidelity... There are two ways to get to that goal. One is if she works towards reconciliation with you. To do that then things like NC and you knowing the truth and all that are required. The other way out of infidelity is divorce.
It’s up to you to realize that it is you want the most: Out of infidelity or remain married. If it’s to remain married then you have closed the second option I mentioned: divorce. Do that, and your optoions to

I want to address the phone call.
I highly doubt either your wife or the OM made that call on purpose. Silence followed by breathing and then groaning... it’s too sublime to be intentional. If he had called to make you aware then I’m guessing he would have been more direct – he would have used her name, used sexual phrases (Oh Mrs. JustanotherAnonymous – you give the best head or something like that) and been more vocal. Same as if she made the call intentionally. It’s not the emergency call since that let’s you know it’s the emergency contact function that’s calling.
I’m guessing the falsehood here is where the phone was located. I’m guessing it was in the room they were in, and it was just another accidental call.

I also find it highly unlikely that they have cut off all contact.
It’s possible... It’s possible that your wife intends to not communicate with him again. But if they are in a comparable career, working comparable jobs, comparable locations... Add to that the long-term friendship, his wish for more and your wife’s detachment from you... I think at best you have some sort of hiatus.

Couples counseling... Although OK in the sense that it could get you to communicate then it won’t "fix" whatever it was that made her think having an affair was a dandy idea. She needs IC for that. Individual therapy. Couples counseling would work regarding infidelity if YOU had some reason for her to cheat, but you didn’t. She DECIDED to cheat despite the marriage.
Look at it this way: If you not being attentive or not sharing the chores or not noticing her new hairdo or whatever is the reason she had to cheat, what happens five years from now if you forget to take out the trash three weeks in a row? The condition in a marriage gives the spouse the option and right to demand change, but not to cheat. That would be like shooting your spouses head off with a shotgun to deal with their poor dental hygiene.

I think you should consider being more decisive.
I have a relatively standard approach I have been recommending for years. Tell your wife that she is free to be with OM, date OM, spend night with OM... but not as your wife. You don’t share wife. Tell her that until and unless you are convinced that she has committed to the marriage then you are simply assuming that she is still committed to her infidelity. That any promised break from it doesn’t really count until she can verify it.
That verification can be in numerous ways; open electronic media, location services on phone, access to her emails, texts, agenda... And not that you are always prying or monitoring, but rather that you have access to all this.
But... Until she tells you very clearly and verbally that the affair is over and she wants this marriage then YOU are assuming she is still in infidelity, and that your only option is to act as if the marriage is over and all that’s left is the formal ending of it.

JustanotherAnonymouse

I don't know if she has cut contact with her AP. I've not told her to or made any demands at all. It needs to be her choice.

I'm going to reiterate what others have said on these forums.

She always gets to make her own decisions, you can't change that. But so do you.

If you want R, then you can and should communicate what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. Communicate your boundaries for continuing with R.

If not, don't continue being in pain. Extract yourself from this situation.

We start couples therapy on Tuesday. Organised originally by her as its covered by her work.

Just a couple of thoughts on this. If she is still in contact marriage counseling will be useless. So soon after D day it’s of dubious value in any case. The marriage didn’t cheat, she did.

If you intend on going Tuesday, tomorrow you should contact the therapist and vet them on their views on infidelity. Many MC’s are ill equipped when it comes to infidelity. Many treat infidelity as just another marriage problem and try to get both parties to share blame. Some still subscribe to the unmet needs fallacy. The last thing you want to sit through is having your WW’s affair validated by a "professional".

This I don’t understand. If you have requirements for reconciliation you need to be clear about them. Of course it’s no use trying to drag her through R but you need to advocate for yourself.

I've never been one to try and control my wife or make choices for her. What I have said very clearly is there is no second chance. If she wants to be with him then go be with him. If she wants to leave then that is fine too. Its her choice.

But if she wants to stay then she has to make that desicion and take those steps herself.

We just got back from a week's holiday to a place we've been before. The kids had a great time and there were lots of silly moments with all of us laughing.

The two of us even managed to get some time to ourselves while the kids entertained themselves.

I said this could very well be our last trip like this. I'm willing to try but its up to her.

I highly doubt either your wife or the OM made that call on purpose. Silence followed by breathing and then groaning... it’s too sublime to be intentional.

Calls to an emergency contact, ICE, do not state that is the reason for the call or log it as such.

She was very clear that her phone was in her jacket pocket well away from where they were and untouched. She looked there after and could not find it and then when they both searched she directed him to check her jacket and he found it.

The silences. I believe he started the call when she wasn't looking after having taken her phone earlier and pushed it under a pillow or something as the call to start with was not silent but muffled. There was no need to say words out loud as it was her phone. Her number calling.

If the phone was where he found it I would not have heard her breathing. His groaning was very loud like right next to the phone. Then as soon as I said loudly I could hear them the call was muted.

To start with we thought it was a fitbit watch that made the call but they cant do that.

If the phone was where it was claimed to be found then the call couldn't happen accidentally from a locked screen, I would not be able to hear so clearly and the call would not have been muted after.

Plus there has never been an accidental call from her phone ever before. So the timing of that happening at just the right moment is just too much of a coincidence.

Just in case as I really did want it to be an accidental call I used two AI's I have access to. Not your run of the mill chat gpt. And they both concluded separately that an accidental call was not possible.

So either he made the call or she did. There is no other option.

Ive just found out they have been sleeping together for over a year.

From experience, after dday1 my H said he wanted to reconcile.

But he did nothing towards Reconciliation.

It was obvious his words did not match his actions.

I spent 6 months in false reconciliation because it was very clear he wanted a D. A few weeks after dday1 he started with "I want a D" then change his mind then tell me he wanted a D then change his mind.

All the while I heard everything that he believed was wrong with me and watched him do next to nothing g towards R.

After 6 months of this I had enough and told him he’s left me with no other choice but to D him.

In 24 hours I saw a completely different person. He’s begging me to R. He’s doing everything possible to make amends. He told the OW it was over in front of me (his decision not mine). He apologized profusely.

He begged me to go to marriage counseling again. We had tried in the past prior to dday2 but he was still cheating then so he was only pretending to R.

So…..the point is this. People (aka cheaters) who want to make the marriage work actively do something and focus on making amends. Being honest and truthful and answering questions from the betrayed. Proving to the betrayed the marriage is not over and there is something to work with. That the cheater deserves a chance.

I don’t see any of that here. To me it appears to be more of an exit affair.

.

If she wants to be with him then go be with him. If she wants to leave then that is fine too. Its her choice.

But if she wants to stay then she has to make that desicion and take those steps herself.

Your posts etc are all full of "I don't know, I hope, I won't do this, it's her choice etc etc"

You've essentially said your move and she's called it but put up a barrier you can't cross.

You're both adults, married, with commitments to your family, children, finances etc. Not dealing with this from a position of knowing all the info, if they're still talking, if she's really in, a timeline of their affair. Information.

Are you really allowing to choose the love's last dream scenerio where she gets to agonise about whom she gets to be with?

Are you really allowing to choose the love's last dream scenerio where she gets to agonise about whom she gets to be with?

I'm not allowing anything. I don't control her. I've made my position clear. If she wants to leave then she can. Yeah that will be tough but i wont make her stay. She has to choose to. And I'm not begging her to stay or running arround trying to impress her.

We're both financially stable and can happily afford to split. I can take care of the kids just fine without her. And I've made that clear too.

I found out this morning its been going on physically for over a year.

I've given her one last chance to give me a full timeline and be open and honest. If she does not take it and continues to lie then thats all the answer I need. If she does come clean then there is still only a slim chance of us making this work.

If you are not her choice then you are only an option. Turn this around. You also have choices and she should only be a smidge of an option. Take charge of your life. Please read the name of this site again. Are you actually surviving? It sounds like your raft has taken on a whole lot of water.

Its been a tough week. Because of the accommodation we're sharing a bed. She picked the accommodation which I took as a positive sign. But while we've shared a bed there is a definite barrier there. There's not even accidental touching. I did bring it up and said it's like she can't even bring herself to touch my hand. Her answer was not wanting to give false hope before we know where we are.

That's not exactly the answer someone fully invested in R would give. It's more like the answer of a detached spouse who is likely still hung up on her AP. Whether she is in contact still or not. If not, it's only a matter of time before she does.

You need to find and use your anger here. She used a hotel room you paid for to sleep with another man. That's a hell of an amount of disrespect for you. To the level that you disgust her. I'd move that 1% well past 60% her if there was an intentional miss dial. You don't think like a cheater. That was an attempt to make you so upset that you pull the plug without fighting for it. Then she could blame you for the breakup of the family over a simple "mistake".

Regardless of who made the call or whether it was accidental or not, you were the only one trying to save your family at the time. She was instead out there fanning the flames of its destruction. What makes you think she's really on board with saving it now? Because what you describe seems to be someone just going through the motions, so she can say she tried.

You should be grasping at straws to determine whether or not she's onboard. It should be obvious that she regrets what she did. That she would move mountains to repair what she broke.

[This message edited by grubs at 7:59 PM, Monday, June 2nd]