SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hope somebody can help as I'm driving myself potty at the moment.

OH started an affair with a work colleague when our son was 4 weeks old. My dad was unexpectedly diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 6 weeks later - my OH went and slept with AP in a hotel the night of his death (he was on a "planned night out") whilst I booked myself into a hotel with my 2 children as I couldn't face being at home after watching my dad die. D Day was 2 days before my dad's funeral and he left me for her - then came back when she found out he was still with me. I tried my best to salvage the relationship for the sake of our now 4 month old. I was in remission for uterine cancer and that's now come back, doctors think as a result of stress. I've also developed PTSD.

He's going out on a lad's holiday next weekend. I've asked him not to go as I know it's going to shred me but he says he's not going to stop his life. He's gone out on a curry night with the lads that are going tonight. Table was booked for 18:30, it's past 21:30 and he's still not home. I don't want to be breathing down his neck asking when he's going to be back but I'm driving myself mad. Whenever he goes out he always sends me a photograph of his food to show me what he's had, yet tonight there's no photo as "it wasn't worth taking a photo of"

I'm tearing myself up wondering if this is worth all of this stress. How do you cope when normal life resumes and try to respect their personal space, yet stop yourself going insane in the process

Hyperactivepineapple,

I’m so sorry for all you’re going through.

I mean this in the gentlest way possible and I know these kind of replies are hard to read, but this ‘man’ is not worth it.

The lads holiday and nights out with friends should not be happening right now.
Normal life should not be resuming.

He’s dropped a bomb on your entire life and is acting like nothing happened? Girl, please, run! As fast as you can.

There seems to be no remorse whatsoever, no owning up to his actions and facing the pain he’s caused.

That is not someone you want to be focusing on trusting again. That is someone you want to push as far away from you as you possibly can.

It’s so scary, I know. But he’s not even doing a little bit of the work he needs to be doing to fix what he’s broken.

If you really want to try at this, you need to set your boundaries. Anything you’re not comfortable with, he’s not doing for a while. Simple as.
You want to check everything on his phone? You should be able to.
You want him to skip his lads holiday? Which is very reasonable btw, then he shouldn’t go.
You should be the one setting boundaries, and if he doesn’t accept those, then the relationship is over.
You are the one who’s been hurt, you get to dictate how this goes.

He should be moving mountains to prove himself to you right now.

Don’t do yourself the disservice of accepting anything less.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, it just makes me so angry the way you’re being treated after what he’s done.

Torturedpoet,

Not harsh at all. I think this is what I need to hear. He's being so cruel at the moment and I'm at rock bottom. I can't even thing about my dear dad without everything coming back up so I'm trying to supress a lot. It's making me so ill.

My mom gave him a load of my dad's favourite designer tops. He wore them to meet het and slept with her in them. I've shoved them to the back of my cupboard. I can't look at them.

I've just texted him saying no way he's been at a restaurant for 4 hours. He said he's had a few beers and is having a laugh. Yet I'm breaking my heart over what he's really doing.

I just hope things get better. I can't split my 4 month old.

I’m so sorry, his behaviour is absolutely disgusting.
He shows no care or concern for you while you’re going through such a hard time anyway with the passing of your dad and the birth of your baby. He should be offering nothing but love and support at this time.

I really do understand about not wanting to split your child. I’m sure I’ve talked in previous posts about this, but the only reason I stayed so long while my WS was not putting in the work was because I didn’t want to split my children 50/50. I’m only still here because I gave in and asked him to leave and that woke him up a little. He’s literally turned his life around trying to be a good partner, a good dad and try to fix himself as well as our relationship. If we didn’t have kids, I would have left and not looked back after the way he treated me after his infidelity.

It sounds like he’s using the threat of split custody to trap you in my opinion. It also sounds like he’s not the kind of man who would actually want split custody. It very much sounds like he wants to live the single life and ignore his responsibilities. Although, I understand the threat of it is still worrying for you, especially with such a young baby.

If possible, I would advise you speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and try to make a plan for what leaving might look like. Give yourself the option.

I’d also advise you to do a 180 - I think that’s what they call it on here and I’m sure there are articles on it in the healing library. Someone else will probably be able to point you in the right direction there.
That really helped me, when I stopped responding to my WS’s behaviour. It helped keep me sane a little. After a while, I honestly didn’t have the energy for it anyway. I’d he’s out and he’s not texting, ignore him. Don’t text, don’t call. Let him be, but pay attention. Let him show you who he really is.

You have so much going on, please try to take care of yourself. Try to focus on yourself and your baby as much as you can. See how he shows up for you both when you aren’t trying to force him to.

Do you really think that you are going to split time with this POS? All of a sudden, he is going to be a good dad, and give up what HE wants to do in order to care for his child? Fat chance. I'd wager a ton of money that he'll be in arrears for child support the moment that it starts.

You are posting in the Reconciliation forum. I can't see anything that you have described that shows one once of a reconciliation attempt from him. You are carrying the entire load to try to keep this relationship in existence, in spite of his efforts to destroy it. I know that you can see this. What I don't think you can see is the ability to let go. As terrifying as it may seem, that burden that you are carrying is going to get so much lighter if you can do so.

He’s been very clear he’s not going to change a damn thing.

He is showing you that his social life comes first. If your child is sick and you need him to get medicine and he has a night out planned, he’s not going to get the medicine.

If YOU are sick and you need him to stay home for your child, he’s not going to give up his night out because you need him.

He’s selfish. And he’s not going to change. He’s already told you that.

And continues you to show you that.

You deserve better.

You can hope debt pays itself off by ignoring the bank's letters and never opening them.

You can hope bills will pay themselves if you hope enough.

Your husband is still cheating and will keep on cheating and disrespecting you.

Hope that a 4 year old doesn't grow up seeing a dad that's never home and a mom feigning happiness because of... hope