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I just feel so… weak. I grew up in the "be a man" era, and I really don’t feel like much of a man these days.

Maybe rethink what your definition of a man is.

Montreal,

Actually you can tell your next partner the truth, because of your decency and honesty.

Your ex has a bigger problem, she can't tell the truth to future partners.

So her future relationships will start off with a lie after her OM dumps her or cheats on her.

She is also lying to your kids right now, likely her own extended family as well.

Thanks again for all the replies. It was her birthday last week, and I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself. I guess recovery isn't linear - time to pick myself back up and keep on keepin' on.

You're all right, I need to work on reframing things. Reframing my idea of what it is to be a man, of who she is and where she is at, of who I am and where I'm at. Most of all, I think I need to reframe who I was. Was I scared? Yes. Could I, should I, have done things differently? Also yes. Did I stay for the wrong reasons? Probably yes, but I'm going to put this one in the non-therapist-approved "not going to think about it" box. Instead, I'm going to go back and hit that gratitude journal with all the good things I got from staying. And there were a lot. I need to remember that. I need to reframe my marriage so that I don't think of it as "weak-ass man stayed with cheater" but more along the lines of "I'm so glad I stuck out the 'for worse' part because of all the great things that happened during those 12 years."

Well, I'm going to try anyways. If it were easy, everybody would do it, right?

Oh, and Bigger, hypothetically speaking, asking for a friend and all that, if one were so inclined (not me of course), where would one find these braincell-bereft-botox-bimbos? For, you know, science or something?

🤣

[This message edited by Montreal at 3:59 PM, Sunday, June 1st]

Haha!

Good you took it in the tone I intended...

I’m no prude nor frown upon two independent people enjoying each others company or bodies.
I can share that about 6-8 months after my d-day (I left the relationship on d-day) I started a rather intense "if it moves, have sex with it" period. Thankfully my job at the time meant I couldn’t go out every weekend or even week, but when I did, the goal was to not go to bed alone but preferably wake up alone.
It’s an easy goal if you simply lower your normal standards.

One day I woke up beside a very nice young woman I had hooked up with the previous evening. We were both very clear on this being an ONS with no romantic attachments. We had a nice chat, drank some coffee and then I got her a cab. I was so conflicted when she left – it was nice enough, but so shallow. Didn’t leave much behind and she was really nice... like relationship nice... I think I realized then the truth of my above statement:
It’s an easy goal if you simply lower your normal standards.

Only... its not as if you are lowering the standard of potential sex-partner, but your OWN moral standards on how YOU act.

What about that bleaching. Going for it?

That... would be a bridge too far...

What I find interesting is that we, as betrayeds, let the cheater hold so much power over us.

We strive to be the best we can be in their eyes. We believe them when they cheat and then BLAME us, the betrayed. We are devastated when they tell us everything that is wring with us and why they cheated.

And we believe it.

We allow ourselves to be judged by people who have betrayed us.

One thing I’ve learned from my near D is to stop letting other people’s opinions weigh so heavily on me.

Recently my business partner up and quit. Out of the blue. I’m trying to have a conversation about accountability and commitment to our biggest client, he/she got mad and quit. And I’m ok with that. It was inevitable IMO. But I know he/she went and told family & friends & probably mutual colleagues what an A-hole I am.

In the past that would have really bothered me. For years. Now? Really don’t care. He/she can live the lie and play the victim.

If you don’t allow yourself to let other’s opinions hold so much weight over you, you have arrived at a place where you can choose your own path. I’m not saying you live without a moral compass and become a selfish jerk. I’m a "do the right thing" person and will go out of my way to help others whenever possible.

But……I don’t allow jerks and idiots to impact my life any longer. I was a former people pleaser and that included my H. His affair opened my eyes 👀 and showed me that I needed to stop being a doormat for him.

You're all right, I need to work on reframing things. Reframing my idea of what it is to be a man, of who she is and where she is at, of who I am and where I'm at. Most of all, I think I need to reframe who I was.

Was I scared? Yes. Could I, should I, have done things differently? Also yes. Did I stay for the wrong reasons? Probably yes, but I'm going to put this one in the non-therapist-approved "not going to think about it" box. Instead, I'm going to go back and hit that gratitude journal with all the good things I got from staying. And there were a lot. I need to remember that. I need to reframe my marriage so that I don't think of it as "weak-ass man stayed with cheater" but more along the lines of "I'm so glad I stuck out the 'for worse' part because of all the great things that happened during those 12 years."

Well, I'm going to try anyways. If it were easy, everybody would do it, right?

Good man.

I like "reframing" but do you know what I like more? Displacing.

What I mean by that is literally forcing the past to lose its grip on your present by filling your time and thoughts up with new experiences, relationships, events, etc. Fill up that calendar on your phone with new and the old will absolutely loosen its grip on your present. I forced myself to do this and it really helped. I started out unenthusiastically, but pretty soon, I started enjoying my life much more so than before when I was ruminating on what I saw as my failure in my betrayal (I know, I know, it was on her but you get it).

Keep at it. You'll do well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:40 PM, Monday, June 2nd]