SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When you compare this:

In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

To this:

What makes everything even more painful is that he is the kind of person who wouldn’t hurt a fly yet chose to hurt me so gravely.

Overall a complete rule follower, model citizen, kind to folks, helps out friends as needed, he certainly has the good guy image.

However, is severely conflict avoidant, risk-averse and generally the reserved and quite type. All of which have cost him in his career growth and a close friendship.

Its no wonder your inner compass is spinning. This is some next level duplicity, but you know what? Duplicity is always present at some level in betrayal. Its a common denominator, sometimes fueled/aided by cognative dissonance.

Where does all of this leave you? Since you have not started divorce proceedings, and based on your questions, it seems you are looking for a reasonable rationale to attempt reconciliation. To address the title of your post, can you reconcile? Its possible, but what is the probability of long term success with an acceptable level of happiness and fulfillment for you? The answer to that is complex and will involve years of grueling effort.

Im not going to pound on the stats debate which I find puzzling other than to say that when you are grasping for handholds, they can help bring some measure of clarity, especially when dealing with aberrant behavior on the part of your "spouse" that completely stuns you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:02 PM, Tuesday, May 20th]

Thank you all for thoughtful comments. A lot of my own soul searching to do.

The way he talks to me now makes it sound like he was living with a blindfold on. How is it possible for someone to be so cruel and not realize it at all and then suddenly see it all and be all shame and guilt.

It’s mind boggling.

[This message edited by Neva9643 at 12:08 AM, Saturday, May 24th]

A number of members have reported the W turning on a dime. My W went from hiding her A to radical honesty literally overnight - she wen to bed on 12/21/2010 in the A, and when I woke up on 12/22, she was committed to ending the A and being totally honest. I believe she hasn't told a lie since then, and it's very refreshing. Knowing one's partner knows of the WS's failure as a human being and as a partner can be eye-opening.

We have several members who have thrived in both R and D after finding out their WSes were serial cheaters.

You have more power than you think. The best way to access that power and to use it on your own behalf (and that of your kids) is to focus on your healing. Don't try to control the outcome - let your R or D develop organically as you heal and as you observe your WS.

You can change yourself, and your WS can change themself, but you can't change your WS. So focus on yourself and watch your H.

Need a reality check.

My husband came to me and said that for years, he was completely delusional about his actions—convincing himself that he was a good father and husband while treating his betrayals as just a "side part" of his life. He now sees how selfish and destructive that thinking was.

He told me that the bubble he lived in has burst. That he has failed not only me, but also our children, and that this realization is almost unbearable.

He admitted that all this time he thought he was in control, but now he sees it was actually the opposite—his selfishness was controlling him. He became someone he himself can barely face in the mirror.

My question is do all serial cheating husbands say the same things as the weight of their actions settles in? Are these usually temporary feelings?

I have no trust whatsoever. I am not in any way ready to accept anything and am working on gathering myself and overcoming the shock.

I don't know if he's sincere but I can tell you that his words alone have no value. He has lied to you so much, for so long, and he's very good at it. The only way for you to assess his honesty and remorse is through observing consistent action over time.

convincing himself that he was a good father and husband while treating his betrayals as just a "side part" of his life. He now sees how selfish and destructive that thinking was.

Many cheaters are great providers, excellent homemakers, and/or very active and involved parents, so it's very easy for them to lie to themselves about how their affairs were just harmless diversions.

But in your husband's case, he was underperforming at work and at home-- you have been shouldering the financial, housekeeping, and child care burdens for your family, while he spent considerable time pursuing sex and romance with others.

His betrayals weren't a "side part" of his life; your marriage and children were.

So while it's possible that he understands how much he harmed you and his children with his cheating, he's still deluding himself about the extent of the damage he's caused-not just with his cheating, but with his neglect. He's trying to minimize the fact that cheating and deception have been central to his life.

He admitted that all this time he thought he was in control, but now he sees it was actually the opposite—his selfishness was controlling him.

This is dissociative language that it's intended to distance himself from his actions. Instead of saying "I am a selfish person who does selfish things" he describes "his selfishness" as if it's this nebulous, external entity that was pulling him by the strings. He's trying to portray himself as the victim of his own vile acts, rather than the perpetrator. He is not the victim; you and your children are.

While it's possible that your husband might have some of compulsive disorder, he certainly had a strong enough handle on himself that he was able to successfully lie and hide his behaviors from you for years. He will never admit it, but I'm sure he benefitted from the fact that you were so preoccupied with work and caring for your children that you might've been too tired and distracted to notice what he was doing.

He became someone he himself can barely face in the mirror.

He knew he was lying. He knew his true face all along. What he's having trouble coping with is that you see it now, too.

edit;add

My question is do all serial cheating husbands say the same things as the weight of their actions settles in? Are these usually temporary feelings?

To reiterate what I said in an earlier post, I think the question you should be asking yourself is not whether he can change or whether his remorse is real (or whether all serial cheaters do xyz), but to seriously look at the relationship as whole and decide whether it's acceptable or not.

I think that, if you're being honest with yourself, you will realize that your marriage has survived thus far because you were willing to make excuses and compensate for his shortcomings and selfish behavior.

"Not cheating" is the bare minimum you need to reconcile. He needs to completely transform his personality, his character, and his outlook on life. Your relationship dynamics need to completely change-- and that starts with you refusing to carry the load for him.

I think that part is going to be the most challenging for you because you see yourself as a "fixer" and don't want to "give up" on someone you love. You've probably also neglected your own self care and personal interests because you couldn't rely on your husband to pick up the slack for you whenever you needed time for yourself.

Lastly, you need to ask yourself how many years of your life you're willing to sink into this process before you even know if the outcome you're hoping for is even possible.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:07 PM, Wednesday, May 28th]

Our stories are very similar. My WH was a serial cheater of opportunity on business trips. In between his one night stands he was "faithful " haha, and his encounters were years apart. I thought we had a good marriage. In hindsight I see how I carried the mental and emotion load and really I just generally over functioned. Always trying to smooth things over so he would be happy. The last two years before I found out about his affairs he was particularly moody and irritable with me. I hate that I put up with it for one second.
It is a good sign that your WH is acknowledging how awful he has been. Mine had the same train of thought, he was delusional and was just living selfishly. He never intended or wanted to leave me. He just wanted validation on the side. He has been deeply remorseful.
I’ve given mine a chance and he is like a different person in many ways. I still see some of his patterns but he’s consistently been more involved in running the home, allowing me to cry and talk about his affairs, and I see that he is trying with everything to make amends with no guarantee that I will allow him to stay. About a year in I really started to feel the rage and did something with it. I stated exactly what I needed in a partnership and I started putting myself first. He’s stepped up and been consistent so far.
There are some " probably" permanent losses for me. I do not love him romantically. I have no desire to acknowledge our anniversary. The memories of the years I thought were happy still feel kind of wierd and yucky to me. But I am only three years into the healing process.
We do still have a very good sexual relationship but I still don’t feel emotionally connected to him.
I am almost fifty and want to retire soon. I don’t want my kids to experience the pain of this betrayal. I do not want to start over with a new relationship and we have an adult lifetime of experience together. Those were my reasons for staying. They’re good enough for me. You will find your reasons and peace whether that is D or R. And I think R is different for everyone. Just wanted to chime in, as I see our situations are very similar. Big hugs to you.

Both perspectives are important. Bluerthanblue I appreciate your caution and understanding the full scope of what change means.

Saltishealing I relate to you. I am 45, turning 46 at end of year. Two young kids. I am financially ok, I can survive on my own as we both make similar salaries but where we live in California it’s not easy but I think I can handle the financial blow.

It’s the thought of starting over, his remorse and everything he is doing now, how much the kids love him - all is creating a fog.

It’s a pretty bad betrayal and while part of me says end it now, i am in reality headging. How much times have folks given before they fond some clarity?

If you are late 40s does did the decision feel harder?

I was in my 50's and my kids are adults. While I didn't have to worry about custody and visitation, my retirement plans were based on my XWH's pension.

My XWH started out doing the work, but really ended up half-assing it. Being trauma bonded and with a lot of PTSD symptoms (still hypervigilant and trouble driving in heavy traffic), it took about a year to realize he wasn't really changing. I was getting ready to say I was done when he said his IC said he was ready for MC. It was in MC that he confessed to the deal-breaker and I realized that he was never going to be a safe partner.

We have other members who have taken several years to decide to end things.

You'll know when you know. For me, the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving and I knew it was time.

I don't think age is much of a determinant until one's age is pretty advanced. The exact factors change as one ages, but when bot D & R look possible, it's always a difficult decision.

Finances are a big question always. Residence can always be a big question. Circles of friends can always be a big question. Childcare is a big question up to a point. At 46-50 you're probably looking at a different cohort for a possible new relationship than if you were 30 or 65, but questions about a new relationship are always there.

If you're concerned about feeling old ... don't. It beast the alternative.

You've been working to heal for 3 months. Lots of us are still in shock 3 months out. Lots of people take years to figure out what their best option is. At best, it's way too early to know if your WS is a good candidate for R - it's just too easy to fake something for 3 months.

You're making a decision that is likely to affect 40 years of life. IMO, it's worth putting more than 13 weeks into the decision.

IMO, the best way to get to a good decision is to free yourself from time pressure. Free yourself to make mistakes. Free yourself to figure out what you want. Let yourself come to a decision without forcing yourself to decide.

Have some faith in yourself to come to the best possible decision for yourself (and your kids, too).

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:12 AM, Monday, June 2nd]

My husband said many of the same things yours has. I believe he meant it. My husband too, felt he was a great provider, great dad, and doing all
The right things minus the one little problem he had, but hey… wasn’t hurting anyone as long as he covered his tracks, right? So of course , once the bubble was burst and his little problem was no longer a secret and instead traumatizing his wife and kids his good dad and provider delusions bursted too. So, I asked for and appreciated the honesty he gave me as to what the hell he was thinking or how he was able to live with himself as he behaved so reprehensibly. I was so disgusted thinking of all the times he would disparage celebrities or politicians cheating or behaving as a general POS. How could he be so judgmental while he was being a closet loser/ cheating asshole too? I asked him these questions, so I appreciated him sharing his BS delusional justifications. One was, and I kid you not, that while he knew what he was doing wasn’t nice, he thought "well, I love my wife and family and would never leave so I am not like a BAD, a-hole cheater, who takes off". This is how he justified his behavior for years. I think part of the change and healing process requires a cheater to examine the lies they told themselves. Sounds like your husband is trying to do that. Listen to the words, but watch for proof they are not just more lies. His actions are what matter most.

Regarding concerns about your age, Neva, your late 40s is not too old to start over.

And as "old" as you feel right now, how much worse would it be to have more Ddays in your 50s, 60s, and beyond?

How secure can you feel about retiring and living on a fixed income with a man who squandered money on prostitutes and "transactional relationships"?

How can you entrust your long-term physical care to a man who gave you an STD? How do you feel about him making critical decisions in the event you’re seriously ill or incapacitated?

How much more difficult will it be to put up with his selfishness and carrying the burden of keeping the family afloat when you are older and don’t have energy or ability that you do now?

It’s the thought of starting over, his remorse and everything he is doing now, how much the kids love him - all is creating a fog.

I think it’s interesting that you used the word "fog"… which implies something is happening that is clouding your perspective. It could be that you sense you’re being "love bombed."

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:38 AM, Monday, June 2nd]

IMO, the best way to get to a good decision is to free yourself from time pressure. Free yourself to make mistakes. Free yourself to figure out what you want. Let yourself come to a decision without forcing yourself to decide.

Have some faith in yourself to come to the best possible decision for yourself (and your kids, too).

I'm going to second what sisoon said. It *is* hard to break up a relationship/marriage that you've had for many years. Our brains are not meant to let go of such attachments easily. That's why grief is so powerful. Take your time. Remember that R is not a commitment, it's a good faith attempt at seeing if you can rebuild. If you discover in a year or two (or less or more) that you can't do it, that's okay. If you discover the opposite - that things are going well, then keep going as long as you want to.

What is the source of his sudden epiphany? Do you get the sense he's telling you a fabricated process intended to make him look morally competent and tailored to his circumstances? Or does he seem sincere? Has he exhibited this level of awareness with other things? Is there some sort of established religious or philosophical moral underpinning to his process, or is he winging it?

How does he respond to your questioning and doubts? Does he get irritated that you don't immediately buy into everything he has crafted, or does he understand why you would have difficulty taking anything at face value?

Remorse and guilt don't compel anyone to action, they just make us feel bad about what we've done. Feeling bad about what we've done isn't atonement, nor is it healthy change.

Don't prompt him or do any work that he needs to do. His words can be a good signal of how he's moving, or they can just be an attempt to manipulate you and self-glaze himself. Watch his actions and gage their origins and intentions. If you feel he's trying to "buy" your regard and continued relationship with demonstrations and displays, rather than taking the time to enact real, fundamental, internal change, he's in the wrong place.

Listen to your gut and figure out how to navigate these new waters, and be fair to yourself.

Can the two of you reconcile from this? Certainly. But always remember you are under no obligation to do so, for your part. It's best to not be be invested in any sort of outcome, as that usually just sets you up for disappointment. Any decision you make to reconcile, divorce, or wait and see, is a valid one.

-M

My heart is breaking for you. You've gotten lots of very sound advice from several others and I just want to chime in and remind you that whatever you decide doesn't have to be permanent. Many people divorce and remarry and you can obviously seek a divorce after reconciling. The main thing, in my opinion, is that you take care of you, be sure to remain your own person and keep your hobbies, friends and interests. And make your financial future is secure - that's probably the most important thing. I'd even go so far as to suggest you consult with an attorney to find out how your assets, pensions, etc. would be handled in your state if you decide to get a divorce at a later date.

But the real reason I decided to post was to share my story. Married in 1972. In 1982, he'd gotten fired from his job - he was an alcoholic. But, of course, I helped him land a new one. Halfway across the country. So he went there and started working while I handled selling the house and getting the movers and all that. Well, turned out that while he was a bachelor in our new town, he decided to act like one. He got fired from that job 6 months after starting there because he was her supervisor. I had the van packed and ready to take my kids and my pets back home but he managed to convince me to stay. He went to rehab and I went to Al-Anon and I worked so hard on myself and we moved again and had a fresh new start. Things went pretty well for the next 25 years - our kids' friends all thought we were the best and people we'd meet would comment about us being such a great example of a good marriage. But then he lost his job (company was in bankruptcy and downsized) and over the next 10 years, he got crankier and crankier. But I was me and I would never have done anything other than be supportive and hope he'd wake up and smell the roses again. Our kids had grown up, graduated college and were doing fine plus we had 2 grandchildren. People fawned over us, we were "the couple."

Anyway I proceeded to do what any good wife would do - his 50th H.S. reunion was coming up. We'd met in college so I only knew one of his H.S. friends but I reached out to him and asked him to encourage XWH to come to the reunion. I used my frequent flyer miles and my Kohl's & Macy's coupons & vouchers to send him off to have a good time, that maybe reliving his youth for a weekend would help him get his mojo back.

Yeah, by now you can probably see where this is going. He's now married to his H.S. girlfriend and moved 1500 miles away. I haven't seen or talked to him since 2 weeks after D-Day when he came to get the rest of his things (I threw him out on D-day). That was 8 years ago.

People talk about statistics about reconciliation but unless they wait to see if they do it again before they die, the numbers aren't reliable. We were reconciled for 32 yrs. And while he wasn't always the most loving type of husband, I never had regrets during that time and I had begun to completely trust him again.

And now? I've gone from holding my marriage together in the face of great odds being my proudest achievement to realizing it was, in reality, my biggest mistake. (Although, in all fairness, I kind of think I'd have found another man to take care so it was better for my kids the way it worked out; but if only I'd prepared financially to be alone.)

So, it might bring you some comfort that no one knows for sure what to do. We just plug along the best we can and get a little help from our friends.

Take care and do rely on the wonderful group of people here. I'm not going to say I'm happy but these people carried me until the soul crushing pain stopped.

[This message edited by josiep at 12:04 AM, Tuesday, June 3rd]