Dazed
I still think you are allowing fear of the unknown control you.
You imagine the absolute worst outcome in all scenarios, and that fear is keeping you rooted in place, preventing any action that could change the situation – for better or for worse.
This isn’t uncommon – we see it a lot on this site.
Friend – and I am writing this as a friend who has nothing but your best intention in mind – this is how continued inaction will probably develop:
(Keep in mind a lot of what we "know" is based on case after case, sample after sample. It’s a bit like if you were playing Russian Roulette then our experience would give you a statistically correct answer of 5/6 chances of surviving, but the next chamber could be the loaded one...)
If you do nothing and you and your wife continue to live together like you do today, the odds are high (like probably 8/10) that this affair ends within 2 years. The excitement wears off, the sex becomes mundane, she get’s tried of him not leaving his wife, he gets tired of her nagging him to leave his wife (or vise-versa), it get’s too much bother, not worth the kick... So basically chances are she won’t be having sex with HIM much longer than Q3 in 2026.
There is probably a 6/10 chance that she won’t leave you. After the affair is over it’s a draw on whether she is still open to a new lover, or if she simply accepts that you and her have this business/practical arrangement where you two can seem like a nice-enough couple to others, can share parenting, can maybe even go to Hawaii or take holidays together, share chores... basically act like a married couple... with even the chance of occasional intimacy.
Or there is a 4/10 chance that it will be she that initiates a divorce. The ongoing affair she had with so little kick-back from you, the feeling of disrespect she had for you and is allowed to fester. She might even think your inaction is a sign of weakness, or a sign that you don’t really care. We might know better, but I’m stating what her likely point-of-view might be.
It’s your call...
You can wait and see, and maybe some years from now you and your wife are in an OK place without ever talking about her affair.
Maybe it ends, and she heals by herself with no input from you.
Or maybe not...
It’s your call...
Only I don’t think you are posting here to share your joy with the situation or your options.
I think you are unhappy, and I challenge you to accept that you are unhappy for reasons of yourself alone... That you CAN decide to take action and that action can change the dynamics of your situation, and that change can be positive.
I gave you the script on how to confront your wife. Note that it does NOT assume you go directly to Divorce or that your marriage is doomed to divorce. It’s based on YOU refusing to be in a marriage that has active infidelity.
I talked about odds... If you tell the OM wife, the odds are about 8/10 that the OM will end the affair. That doesn’t automatically lead to your wife coming back to the marriage – in fact the odds are 9/10 that once the OM dumps her and she knows it was because you told his wife, she will be adamant that the marriage is over.
Only... If you continue with our advice and:
1)Let stakeholders know (parents, friends...): My wife is having an affair with (put name here) and I refuse to be in a marriage where I share my wife. To salvage this marriage my wife would need to commit to it, and that’s what I would want. But I refuse to share her, and unless she changes her mind then divorce is inevitable. I would appreciate your support in making her decide correctly.
2)Are realistic about the divorce: ie. No DIY divorce, no threats about taking everything or losing everything... in fact placing the whole process into the hands of a professional... This makes her realize what scratching that itch is really costing her.
The odds are about 7/10 that she will turn back to the marriage. Initially on "her conditions", but if you stand firm then on conditions conductive to reconciliation.
But like I have stated repeatedly: it’s your call.
You can chose to remain in unhappiness...
