SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's a daily struggle, but just staying in my lane one day at a time. Last night and it seems - every few nights I wake up in the middle of the night and the thoughts of it all keep me awake. How he is, how it is. Ugh. For a of couple hours. Try different things, then FINALLY get back to sleep. Leafields thank you for your last response. I needed that - as I've read it in here in other posts, but I guess my heart is still trying to catch up to what is happening here. I often have to move it through my head like a check off list to again realize that I am moving on the correct path.

We both come and go, and often get through whole days and not speak at all to each other, or just one or two words - all day. Weird. We don't even look at each other. Four months ago he casually walked in the room and announced that he doesn't love me anymore. So, I'm still there - in that moment that I never thought would happen. All these years I have been all in and taking care of all of us. My WS and my kids - have always been my whole world. I've not been one to socialize with co-workers after work hours, and my social life normally evolved around whatever my family was doing. Just the last few recent years when my marriage has slowly been falling apart have I Iooked for friends and activities with other women in my age group. Even so, not sharing my story with anyone - as I wanted an escape for even a little while from this sad lonely life that I have at home. This week I had lunch with an old friend and wished that I hadn't mentioned the few things that I did as it just ruined a much needed 'escape' from it moment. A moment that I would rather have fun and forget about it for even just a little while.

[This message edited by icangetpastthis at 4:44 AM, Monday, April 21st]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I can definitely relate to parts of your story. On the day my now XH would go on to tell me he'd been having an affair for over a year I called him on the way home from work, like I usually do. Nothing sounded off or concerning, we said ILY when we got off the phone. When I walked in the door 30 minutes later he told me. I was so completely shocked and surprised I think it took months and months for me to catch up with the situation and really absorb what had happened. Now, I didn't fully accept it at that time, it just took that long for me to even believe the whole thing was real and not a nightmare.

As far as telling friends...I highly recommend it. People can't help if they don't know you need anything. I made sure to always ask friends how they were doing and ask about their lives, so they didn't feel like I was taking up all the air in the relationship. Even if they know, you can always tell them you'd rather talk about their life in that particular meeting.

One of the things I'm grateful for after the separation was the rebuilding of old friendships and building of new ones. I'm so much closer with so many people and I really value these relationships.

"All these years I have been all in and taking care of all of us."

Many if us can relate to what you shared….

I wish you much peace and healing as you navigate the current reality. And I am truly sorry your stb exwh is making the choices he is making.

It's the middle of the night, woke up and I can't get back to sleep. I'm thinking about him and wondering why. It's never going to make sense to me. I've loved him all these years, why? He didn't love me back. But, I stayed. He stayed. Why? I showed him every day that I loved him, but he stopped trying so long ago. I know that I'm being vague here, but it's difficult to put down in words. Our divorce is not final yet, we are still IHS. It is hard. There will be a lot of things to keep me busy when our divorce is final, but it seems like those things will bring me some happiness. The busy work that I'm doing now doesn't. Going through our financial records and our home, discarding things that I no longer want and organizing things that I need and want to keep. For days and weeks of this. Keeping and tossing. I hate using my days like this, but I think that later on I will find some peace with that. Right now I wonder why he stays here. What keeps him here. I'm here because I want to keep our house. He doesn't want it, and most of what is in it. He will probably pack his clothes and a few small things when the time comes and leave all the rest of his clean up for me to deal with. If I can't keep the house, that will be a big job for me and my health isn't very good.

It’s been 4 long years of this situation and it still continues.

Why does he stay? It’s convenient. That’s it.

It’s hard to accept HE decided the marriage was over. But maybe allowing him to stay was not a good idea as it seems to have impacted you more than him.

He’s getting EXACTLY what he wants. No muss no fuss. He didn’t have to move or spend more $ or lift a finger.

You are doing it all for him.

So when the D is final he just leaves? That’s it? He has no further responsibility or obligations? I hope you don’t help him pack his stuff or give him any support. He doesn’t deserve it - and it’s just wasted on him. How sad after 40+ years together he behaves this way.

You're trying to apply logic to an illogical situation, and that's why it doesn't make sense to you. A lot of it will boil down to what The1stWife said, plus him being an abusive, manipulating jerk. He's so selfish that he only thinks of himself and how to get what he wants.

Once things settle down, you'll be able to make your home a safe place for you. In the New Beginnings section, the thread called Update by Shehawk is a good one to read. It gives details of what she did and is going through after her devastating D and how it's going coming out on the other side.