SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Am wondering about polygraph tests. Has anyone used them in their discovery and decision making process? If yes was it helpful? Thoughts?

If I need to put my spouse on a polygraph machine — time for me to fly.

All that and they get beat like a drum. I was a military intel guy, people beat the machine way too often, it is why the results cannot be used in court.

However, some people get ‘parking lot confessions’ outside of a polygraph testing place, at least that’s what some members have shared here.

Ultimately, if I can’t get the answers I need by asking questions (and I guess I asked enough questions to know when the answers changed), then I can’t be with that person.

Answering my 5 billion questions is how my wife earned back trust.

I can’t get trust off a test I can’t trust.

Besides, it is only yes or no questions and some answers don’t get a follow up. I think they can create more questions, I think they can cause fear in a person taking the test. I have seen people here who used them and soon after wanted to go back and ask more questions with another test.

I don’t see it as a tool for keeping an M together.

Regardless of the debate on if they work or not, polygraphs are useful in the afore mentioned "parking lot confession" and probably more importantly, as a consequence of the WS’s actions. Not only did their actions result in having to answer humiliating questions by a total stranger, but that a machine is required for anyone to believe a word the WS says.

I don't know if you can ask enough of the right questions in a polygraph test to really get all of the answers you want, tho I suppose 80-ish% accuracy is better than just using your gut to trust a proven liar.

I think they're most effective for the aforementioned parking lot confessions. I've seen a few stories where the wayward spouse makes itnall the way to the parking lot and they're so anxious about failing the test that they just spill their guts in the parking lot.

Then I've seen a couple where deception was shown and the BS stayed anyway. That's the thing, if you do go through with it, then I think you should stick to your guns and do what you say you're going to do. You need to have a purpose for it. "If it shows you're being deceptive then that's it. I'm filing for divorce." I wouldn't do it just to find out if there's deception, then of it's shown, you still stay. It has to have a purpose. Plus you're more likely to get that confession if the stakes are real.

If you do it, then I think you need to go all the way and trust the results. If no deception is shown then you accept it. If deception is shown, then you accept that and file for divorce.

Former LEO where we used polygraphs on a regular basis.
We knew we couldn’t use whatever we got in court, and we never used it on a confirmed suspect. But if we had a case with many suspects it helped weed out the less likely. For example: I remember a break-in at an office. Everything indicated an inside job, so a poly was used to eliminate some of the 50+ staff, simply so focus could be placed on those that didn’t give a clear result or refused. When we found the culprit it was mainly due to his spending habits; his poly was an indecisive result. But he was on the short-list that was relatively short – thanks to those we could eliminate with the poly.

Both the FBI and Scotland Yard rate them at about 80-85% reliable. If you keep in mind the clientele these institutions are dealing with, then that’s pretty high.
Since they measure physical reaction then those that aren’t pressured by the questions asked, are sociopaths or have narcistic behavior might not register if asked a hard question. You can also possibly train to beat them, but that would require being strapped in to learn what behaviors work for you. All sorts of drugs you can take to help beat a poly, but the operators are trained to spot all this.
The seriousness and impact of the result can also make a major difference. Being asked if your favorite color is blue is less likely to give a clear measurement than being asked if you had sex outside your marriage, knowing that failing leads to divorce.

Keep in mind they don’t measure truth but rather honesty. Like if the person being questioned really believes 2+2=5 they will pass if asked if the correct answer is 4 and they answer with "no".

It’s also important to realize that if used they need to be a watershed moment. Something that helps you decide if you might reconcile, or if divorce is the better path for you. You usually get something like 4 questions and they need to be clear yes or no answerable.

The way I suggest they are used in the context of infidelity is that the WS has a short period – maximum 2 months – to realize that the best bet is to be honest and tell all. They know that you the BS have pressed pause on the marriage until you feel a bit safer in a) knowing what actually happened and b) that the WS is being honest. It’s important that the WS knows that passing the poly is key to ongoing reconciliation, and that failing would be a clear signal to you that they don’t trust you with the truth and are still holding back.

If they fail – the logical reaction is to focus on divorce. If they pass… well… we the BS need to give them that, and if we want to reconcile then try to focus more on that.

Another key issue is that IF you do a poly you need to accept the result. You can’t have the WS pass and still doubt the reliability of the poly. Same if they fail you need to believe that the poly is correct.

I asked my wife to do a poly after she confessed her affair to me.

I had to know if the person that just spent a year lying to me had finally told me everything. I had to know the person I was really married to and the extent of her betrayal. Was it this one affair? Or had she had many for example.

This test was not a not a normal poly but one of those eye detect poly's that use a computer to watch the eyes for involuntary changes.

I wanted this because I can add many questions to the test and the test itself is quick and non invasive. She's just looking into a camera while talking.

The process was that the therapist had a long questionnaire that she filled out describing her entire sexual history and I was able to add my own questions at the end.

He then went over the questions i added making sure they were true false types of questions.

Then she and him would go over the list several times in sessions over about a week, making sure she understands the questions and her answers don't change.

Then they ask a small number of questions about the truthfulness of the entire document.

Its supposed to be close to as accurate as the regular poly.

Honestly 80% for me was way better than zero which is where I was at at that time.

Some mistakes I made:

I did not create any clear consequences if she failed, but I know for me that would have made reconciliation very difficult.

I believe she understood, but i was not explicit.

I also did not put the relationship on hold pending the results. We were Reconciling and this was a step in that process.

I should have declared a state of limbo right after D-day.

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Having said that, the test was useful for me. She passed and I accept her history as what she has described in the document.

Im learning now that being honest about her betrayal doesn't automatically mean she is a good candidate for reconciliation.

She can still choose to not do the work.

Thank you all. Very grateful for the wisdom & insight here. Thinking.

If I need to put my spouse on a polygraph machine — time for me to fly.

Completely agree.

If I need to put my spouse on a polygraph machine — time for me to fly.

I dont agree with this. Personally I don't understand how someone could trust anything coming from their spouse who lied to them for an entire year.

If feeling like you would leave if you needed ways to prove (as much as possible) your spouse is finally telling the truth, then maybe adultery is actually a deal breaker for you.

I understand in a moment of feeling lost and emotional chaos might seem appealing as a tool to hook onto.

I seriously doubt it is truly helpful, simply because you want true commitment and voluntary disclosure from your wayward.

If you need to force the truth out of them, it’s a lost cause.

I chose not to because as Bigger pointed out if the person believed something to be true they will pass whether it not it was actually true.

There were things he truly did not believe he had done or said until I showed him proof. My husband was lying to himself and blocked so many things out it really would not have not been a helpful exercise.