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When I told her that I was going to divorce her, she said, "divorce me? Fu*k you, I'm divorcing you!" That's the first time that I've heard the word "divorce" come out of her mouth - typically it's 'separation.'

The fangs/claws have come out now and are fully exposed. The game she was playing is out now and shes scrambling to re-gain control. The redeeming factor here is that the shock of this revelation seems to be numbing the remaining affinity for her and bracing you into action. Im glad you are seeing an attorney. Retain a good one and follow their directions to the letter. They will ask you the needed questions. As Bigger said, you are terminating her as your wife.

The drum Im going to beat is limited exposure to her. You may yet mistakenly want to interact with her in order to get further answers. You will never get the answers from her that you may seek. Just take her at face value right now. This is who she is. As has been said here many times, ignore the words, believe the actions, albeit both from her are pure poison right now. The woman you thought you knew and loved is long gone.

Gotta steel yourself to be cold and dispassionate. Easier said than done, I know, but she has clearly chosen the way of brazen betrayal and enmity. You will not be well served to try and find middle ground.

You may already be there, but I just wanted to add some innoculation against this temptation. Dont get fiery, get icy. Cold, steely, stone faced and do not get baited into confrontation. Shes the arsonist and there is nothing to be gained by mucking around in the ashes with her. Id advise seperating from her physically but I dont know the ramifications of that legally. If you have to be in the same room with her, have a var on you and running at all times (check the legal regs on tbat in yoyr state). If you need to bolster yourself in this regard, get a copy of "No More Mr Nice Guy" and read it.

Tough tines indeed but you can and will make it through to the other side. I can attest to this.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:42 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

Thank you everyone for the cont'd feedback and advice.

I have a consultation set up with an attorney in <30 minutes and I have questions lined up. Will post details later.

In the interim, I received a call from the OM's wife this morning. Apparently when I spilled the beans to the sister-in-law, she called the OM and gave him an ultimatum, telling him that either he had to tell her, or she was going to. OM left a day early yesterday and didn't even have the balls to tell his wife in person, he called her from the airport. Of course he minimized it, saying it had been an emotional affair until they "slipped up" and "crossed the line" a few weeks ago back in New Orleans. What a gem this guy is. I told her all that I knew, that my WW started really acting strange/distant and had first asked for a separation back in May - this is right after the business trip that she had w/the OM in his own city, where his wife lives just minutes away. Then New Orleans and now Boston! Oh wait, OM's wife didn't even know that my WW was in Boston this week w/her husband until I told her a few minutes ago. We shared timelines, lies, cover-ups, etc. It wasn't satisfying in the least. To hear someone on the end of the other line in shock, pain and devastation put me right back to where I was 9 days ago. I apologized and told her to call me if she ever wanted to talk or if she had any other questions.

Thank you everyone for pushing me to expose this A to the OM's wife. She was audibly broken, but appreciative at the same time. Oh, and she works for a divorce attorney - you can't make this stuff up. Good luck to the OM

I think the idea of making the intent clear by separating bedrooms is a good one. But what you can do is offer options rather than dictate she sleeps on the couch. Maybe you end up sleeping in the spare room. Maybe you find ways to share the master bedroom. What you can’t do is dictate. Turning it into "you are the one that cheated, therefore you get the old army-cot" argument is futile, and drama. A more direct "I think it’s best we have our own space while we start the process of separating our lives. I suggest one of us moves into the spare room. Toss a coin for it?"
Same with the monitoring. At some point you need to back away from that. If you two are decided on divorce then it’s no longer your concern if she’s talking to OM or planning a weekend away or anything like that. In fact – a competent attorney can possibly use your monitoring of her as an indication of controlling and/or abusive behavior.

Seeing as you are divorcing there isn’t any need nor ability on your half to request a STD test. Marriage is over isn’t it?

While I normally agree with your advice Bigger, I cannot in this case- at least not at the beginning so soon after DDay or when a Wayward returns from an obvious sex adventure with the AP. Sure, there's a time to be reasonable in a divorce case but not in the first couple of days after discovery. Offering the wayward a coin flip to see who gets to stay in the marital bed while the betrayed may be regulated to the couch because of no fault of their own could almost be considered coddling the wayward. Would that come with breakfast in bed?(/sarcasm)

As for the demand for STD tests- this shows the wayward the seriousness of the matter and hopefully shuts down any attempt to love bomb the BS (especially true in the case of wayward wives.)

Beetrain, of course you're going to have to be reasonable at some point in all of this, divorce or not. But I would advise you that you should in no way allow your WW to return home and carry on as nothing has happened. She's going to want to get things back to normal with the kids and home life as soon as possible. It appears she would prefer you to be out of the house so she can persuade the kids and family by spinning her story that she has set up. Get to an attorney ASAP. It is quite common in Texas to file an Ex Parte Temporary Order to establish who has primary residency of the house which will kick out the opposing party. It is also not unheard of to file Ex Parte Temporary Protective Orders alleging violence or threat of violence that could also prohibit you from having any contact/communication with the spouse and children for at least 30 days. So, unfortunately, it can be a race to the courthouse to see who files first. Act fast.

I agree with NukeZombie.

There is a great scene from the movie marriage story. Ray Liotta plays a divorce lawyer.

"If we start from a place of reasonable, and they start from a place of crazy, when we settle, we'll be somewhere between reasonable and crazy."

Then Adam Driver responds:

"Which is still crazy."

And Liotta follows with:

"Half of crazy is crazy."

I find it very apt that my suggestion to avoid drama is rebuffed with a quote from a movie…

I used to be in law enforcement. I went to dozens of homes to deal with domestic abuse. Unfortunately, LEO tend to suspect the male as the initiator of abuse, and a semi-standard first response is to create separation between the disputing couples. You DEMAND your wife sleep on the couch and prevent her from using her bedroom… this escalates into a loud verbal argument… police called… knowing that neither party has the right to demand something like this, the one making the demand will probably be deemed the instigator and aggressor.

Nobody is suggesting being lenient. It’s more an issue of being real and goal oriented.

Treat what you are dealing with through reality.

Bigger my point was just about letting a lawyer handle any negotiations at the start and let him be an advocate for your rights and the rights of your kids. Let him be as aggressive as he feels the situation warrants.

As for the movie it is actually one of the most honest divorce movies I have ever watched.There is another scene where Ray Liotta tells the father not to quote their kids. It was a really good watch.

"Don’t quote your kid. He’s just telling you what you want to hear. Trust me, he’s telling her the opposite."

[This message edited by TheGhost at 5:40 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

You DEMAND your wife sleep on the couch and prevent her from using her bedroom… this escalates into a loud verbal argument… police called… knowing that neither party has the right to demand something like this, the one making the demand will probably be deemed the instigator and aggressor.

Sure, anything can happen Bigger but let's avoid red herrings. The facts as relayed to us are that there are 3 teenagers in the house who aren't real happy with their mother right now. 3 potential witnesses for law enforcement to interview if called to the scene. Now, sure if Deputy Incompetent shows up anything can happen. But if Beetrain6 is firm, keeps his head about him so he doesn't fly off the handle and protects his interests he should be ok.

Texas is a one-party consent state Beetrain6. After meeting with your attorney, I'd head to Best Buy and purchase some discrete surveillance cameras and at least 1 dedicated VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) device. Place the cameras in the master bedroom and common living areas. Use the VAR to discretely record any conversations with your WW when/if she returns home. You should have a smart phone and the ability to record video. Look up Apps so the phone can double as a VAR and also to record phone conversations. Sucks to have to do this but you will need to be on guard for any false domestic violence charges. Implement a hard 180 -- as I told you before your WW is going to want you to become emotional both to manipulate you and to portray you as unstable and/or violent. Always be on guard.

You may also want to have conversations with your children that if they hear their mother raising her voice or losing her temper in the house to get their cell phones and record what their mom is doing. Even if they're in their bedrooms, they can record what their mother is saying. You will have to educate them, pretty quick, that it is quite common for false allegations to be made and you do not want to be arrested on false charges. A hard conversation to have, to be sure, but again better safe than sorry.

Update:

As most of you have said recently, there isn't any possibility of reconciliation re: the M at this stage. The damage done has been just too much. This has, and will continue to be, a path to Divorce....which sucks, but I know that my children will be much better off long term for it.

WW just called and of course, was notified (likely by the OM) that the OM's wife had called me this morning. She didn't disclose this knowledge immediately, but I knew it was only a matter of time before she asked and/or brought it up. The first part of the call was a huge waste of time; her telling me that I shouldn't have been surprised about the A, that I shouldn't have reached out to the OM's family, how it's now making her look like the bad guy, how I've turned things around on her, how she's now to blame for trying to get out of a tough situation (our M), etc etc.

Fast forward to the call from the OM's wife. WW is claiming that she now may lose her job b/c of this. I told her that I have not reached out to her employer and that in my experience (which is all I can go off of), unless she's using the company's dime to enhance or support her affair, that most companies will not terminate for non-disclosure. They typically transition you into a new position if the A / relationship creates a conflict. She would not let this go. She told me that one of the OM's sister-in-laws also works in the same industry and has been making noise and creating problems all morning. I didn't respond, just listened. Not sure what those 'problems' are as she didn't elaborate, but she kept on and on about losing her job, or that she won't be able to get a promotion b/c of this. Again, I didn't say anything, just listened. She is definitely playing 'Woe is me' card big time.

She has not hinted at getting an attorney yet, but has made it clear that she's taking the kids if she has to move in with her parents. I learned a lot from my attorney consultation this morning (which transpired before this call), but did not show any of my cards. I reminded her that neither of the older kids would ever agree to that.

Anyway, that's the update thus far. The attorney wants a $7500 retainer, but gave me good information and I left feeling optimistic, despite how F'd Texas law and judges are in divorce cases when it comes to the man.

She told me that one of the OM's sister-in-laws also works in the same industry and has been making noise and creating problems all morning. I didn't respond, just listened. Not sure what those 'problems' are as she didn't elaborate, but she kept on and on about losing her job, or that she won't be able to get a promotion b/c of this.

Surely she didn’t get this far along in life without ever hearing don’t 💩 where you eat. But yeah, clearly all of her problems originate with the sister in law of the married coworker she’s screwing. The pop you’re going to hear if she ever pulls her head out of her ass is going to rattle the house.

Oh, and she works for a divorce attorney - you can't make this stuff up. Good luck to the OM

Couldnt have happened to a nicer guy

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 8:12 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

When's she scheduled to arrive back from her trip, Beetrain6? Or is she back already?

Will you be able to talk to your children together before she arrives? May want to discuss how everyone is to act around each other as well as the discussion I previously wrote about. Your children are old enough to know the truth but not the gritty details. [This is coming from a betrayed child whose father left us when I was 2 and my younger brother just 3 months old- I always knew my Dad was a cheater. We still had a close relationship until his death 30 years later.] Be prepared for your WW to come home as an emotional mess. Her world has imploded- she knows she's looking at a divorce and possible job loss. You have to be unemotional, in fact, I would tell her no discussions until tomorrow night. Since she's already packed you would prefer her to get a hotel room or her parents for the night until emotions settle but if she refuses tell her its the guest bedroom or couch for her. Then go absolutely gray rock with her. Take your kids to a movie tonight. Avoid getting into an emotional discussion while everything is so raw.

$7500.00 depending on the attorney is within the standard range. The biggest pitbull attorney in my area wants (and she gets it) an initial $20,000.00 retainer. You get want you pay for and this goes double for divorce attorneys.

Stay strong, follow your attorney's advice, protect your kids and your interests.

The first part of the call was a huge waste of time; her telling me that I shouldn't have been surprised about the A, that I shouldn't have reached out to the OM's family, how it's now making her look like the bad guy, how I've turned things around on her, how she's now to blame for trying to get out of a tough situation (our M), etc etc.

This is so common it's cliche, but it still pisses me off. I'm sorry, but fuck her. She IS the bad guy. She made herself look that way. You only (rightfully) exposed it. If she wanted out of a tough situation she could have talked to you about it and/or filed for a divorce. Not exactly a great situation either, but it would beat the pain of deception and betrayal. She had options. Screwing a married man is among one of the stupidest options for "getting out of tough situation." I'm angry for you man. This is not your fault in any way.

She would not let this go. She told me that one of the OM's sister-in-laws also works in the same industry and has been making noise and creating problems all morning. I didn't respond, just listened. Not sure what those 'problems' are as she didn't elaborate, but she kept on and on about losing her job, or that she won't be able to get a promotion b/c of this. Again, I didn't say anything, just listened. She is definitely playing 'Woe is me' card big time.

Guess she should have thought about that before screwing a married co worker while being married herself.

FWIW, I think you're handling this incredibly well and with great poise. I know that's not going to make you feel much better, but you deserve to be commended for handling this with grace and dignity.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:49 PM, Wednesday, August 26th]

You’re doing well navigating this shitstorm. Not responding to her pathetic rationalizations is the best course. I agree with the above, it pisses me off that she can spout blame for her moral failings. But that’s what your faced with. You don’t have to tolerate her accusations or blame. Just shut it down and defuse. Don’t engage or argue. What’s it going to get you? You’re getting divorced. She will never accept responsibility for her actions. She is the bad guy in this situation. Her life is falling apart right now, due to her own actions, and it is wise to get out of the path of her destruction. Be there to reassure your kids that they will be alright. Learn: "sorry you feel that way." Become a gray rock. Be aware that she may become more vindictive and desperate, and try to engage you to set up a false DV charge. Also be aware that she may become vindictive enough to try and alienate your children. It’s worth mentioning to your attorney. Good luck.

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:18 PM on Wednesday, August 26th, 2026

You’re doing well navigating this shitstorm. Not responding to her pathetic rationalizations is the best course.

Exactly. Your reaction, (or lack thereof) sends a strong message. You're done playing. She's no longer in control and she can probably feel it slipping through her fingers. Stay stoic and don't take any bait to engage with her. This is her mess. Let her flail around and just put "I'm sorry you feel that way" on repeat.

Take care of yourself and protect yourself. Use that VAR.

I do t think I’d be able to say anything but, "oh no! The consequences of your actions." And/or "should have thought of that before you decided to have an affair."
And "yes, you are the bad guy here."

I don’t know the laws in your state. But I’d behave as though everything is being recorded and possibly used against you.

I am of the opinion that your Wife (soon to be ex wife STBXW) is not going down without a fight.

She is prepared to "win" AND in her mind, she had every right to lie and cheat. And winning comes at a "no holds barred" mentality.

Her comment about taking the kids? Hmmmm read my earlier post about just that — Getting a temporary custody order to avoid her from doing just that.

I worked for a Divorce attorney for years while I was in college. I learned a thing or two lol. 😆

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:36 PM, Thursday, August 27th]