SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't like this new way of operating though. I mourn the loss of the feeling that I could tell her how I felt about things, and the belief that she would do the same in return. I mourn the loss of the feeling that I could bring up issues I have and have her address them in a mature adult way.

Thank You! That describes it. I couldn't put it into words. I miss the feeling of being a team and knowing that he will have my back. I mourn the loss of unguarded authenticity in myself and openness.

I have a relative that is an addict. There's a part of me that feels the same with them. No matter how long they are clean, there's always a bit of me that holds back full trust. I can't see it every changing to the extent that I would trust them enough to do something like give them any control of my finances or estate. There's always a "what if?" existing.

At 10 years out, I consider us as reconciled as I will ever be. My husband and our marriage has changed for the better in many ways. I'm glad I'm still married. I'm happy. It's still naggingly there though.

What is she going to do during hard times that are sure to come? Is she going to have my back? What were to happen if I got some disease that made it impossible for me to be the husband she wants? Would she just leave? Am I to expect another betrayal? My view of marriage was that it was two people teaming up to support each other through thick and thin, good times and bad. I don't believe people have to stay married if they are unhappy, but it should have to be REALLY bad for them to want to give up on their spouse. At least thats how I viewed it then.

Oh my gosh, yes! I wish I had chosen someone who felt the same. You can talk to your spouse before you're married about values, but he said he felt the same about that type of thing. I can only think of a few minor things he said that indicated he might not have taken it as serious as I did.

I remember one conversation I had with my husband on the day I found out about the affair. In the past, we helped out our siblings and parents financially and physically. I said, "Your parents are getting older. Do you really think she'll be there to help out or do you think she'll be out looking for the next man to entertain her?"

Living without trust with a person who deflects accountability and lies at the drop of a hat is not going to to work in the long term.

OhItsYou

I suspect you already know the answers to your last couple paragraphs. Coming to terms with that is the hard part.

I don't know that I do know the answers unfortunately. One thing this affair really hammered into my head is that I cannot know the future. I mean I was completely blind to her affair. A major betrayal from someone I had been with for twenty years and I thought I knew really well.

Part of the difficulty of this process is not knowing the answers. The uncertainty. I'm one of those people that if I know what I want, I go for it, but if I don't know, or it's unclear what the situation really is, then I'm left trying to figure that out instead of moving in a certain direction.

It would be so much easier if I knew the answers to these questions.

KitchenDepth5551

I remember one conversation I had with my husband on the day I found out about the affair. In the past, we helped out our siblings and parents financially and physically. I said, "Your parents are getting older. Do you really think she'll be there to help out or do you think she'll be out looking for the next man to entertain her?"

So many people on this site report being so much more level headed on D-day. I was a complete mess, and it took me many months just for the enormity of the betrayal to sink in. I did the pick me dance HARD.

I believe the person I am today would react MUCH differently. Can't know that for sure, but I certainly understand WAY more than I did then, and I believe I would have much less tolerance for BS of this kind again.

It concerns me that you are 10 years out, consider yourself as fully reconciled as you are going to get, and still have feelings like this. Can I ask is there a part of you that thinks it might have been better to just end it and find someone new? Or do you think you would have those same fears with this new person?

Sometimes I wonder if the pain of trying to reconcile is worth it. Would it be easier to be with someone new who hadn't already proven they can and will betray me? Would that be less triggering at least? Probably. But I'm not convinced that I would be able to relax and trust again easily with anyone.

Even getting past the "she betrayed me" part, I suspect that for the rest of my life my eyes will be open to identifying new betrayals from the people close to me. No matter who they end up being. I could be wrong, but I think the affair permanently changed that part of me.

longsadstory1952

This is a tough reconciliation with a very difficult spouse.
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Living without trust with a person who deflects accountability and lies at the drop of a hat is not going to to work in the long term.

Yes this has been very tough. Especially when I see people describe remorseful spouses and how they are so different from my wife. She is making progress, but it is agonizingly slow.

I would not describe our relationship in such stark terms as you have though.

I wouldn't say she lies at the drop of a hat, she does lie, but it's not frequent enough to cause me concern until this last lie.

I wouldn't say I have no trust in her. I trust her to not physically harm me. I trust that she really does love me, even though she betrayed me. I am starting to believe more and more each day that she doesn't want another affair. I trust that she has our children's best interests at heart; even though I don't think having an affair falls into that category, in every other way she is a great mom.

Like many people have said on this site, her betrayal is about her not me. So I try to separate the part that is her from the part that is me as much as possible.

I don't feel like it would have helped me to leave and find someone new. That's probably part of what kept me in the relationship if I'm honest. But I was older - 50 yrs old+. I'm 60+ now obviously. I would have preferred being on my own if anything. I've never been great at partnering and living together in my opinion and probably my husband's and friends' opinions too.

But leaving, maybe. I did that a few times. I still feel like I could leave and feel like my life would be great. That's something you create for yourself, if I understand anything from my healthy siblings and friends.

I am prepared to be on my own if needed. I think older people (older than me) get that way eventually in their marriages. It's probably a necessity.

If I'm totally honest, I have some feelings around you leaving. It's probably my own bias, but maybe there is a window there to create a healthy relationship. I don't know your situation.

Being here, I've heard people saying that they feel like they are too old to start over or have a new partner. I have never felt that way. I have always felt attractive and that I could get a partner at any time if I wanted to do that. I'm not that physically attractive, but it's out there. It's just out there in my experience.

I am happy in my marriage. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe I would be happy alone. I believe I could be happy with someone else. I'm happy.