SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We even bought 2 properties here (her country) so we could "retire."

You may want to consult a local attorney about the disposition of these properties before you leave.

Don’t have sex with her after you discover. It can be legally "condoning" it if you live in a US state where you might get an "at fault" divorce.

Dude. I’m so sorry. There aren’t words, but we are here for you.

I’m so sorry. Stay strong. Avoid booze.

Thanks for the replies. I'm still here in Asia and the wife isn't aware I know. The more I re-read her text history the more I realize all her actions are to get close to him: work trips she claimed she wanted to improve her career, solo trips home to visit family, sexy work out fits, exercising after work, etc. She even wanted me to change to look like him: get more tan, grow a beard. etc. She used to hate those things on me.
Anyway, I really don't care about the property here. She pretty much owns those since I'm a foreigner. I'll call it a wash can get out of my marriage with my 401K and pension intact. Arizona is a no-fault divorce state so infidelity doesn't really matter here. We did do a covenant marriage since we both profess Christian beliefs. I can get out of the waiting period for that due to infidelity however. Anyway. Im just researching and plotting. No drinking since I tend to say what is on my mind ha ha.

And yes I'm done with sex with her. All I can think of when she touches me is revulsion at what she did with him. No hysterical bonding here. I just pretend to be tired and stressed. I don't think she minds because she sees sex with me as a chore I think.

So sorry for you.

This breaks my heart reading this. I cannot imagine marrying someone you love and learning they may not have loved you in the same way.

I hope she gets what she deserves.

As with all legal based/toned advice on this site – keep in mind it’s the worst type of advice offered and should at most be used as something to think about or contemplate further.

We did do a covenant marriage since we both profess Christian beliefs.

Just remember that marriage per se (and therefore the termination of it) is a secular thing as far as the law is concerned.
A covenant marriage requires some specific reasons for a divorce, and if your wife is reluctant to agree to your terms, she could make it difficult. The very first term that allows for a divorce is adultery. The very last term is if both agree and ask for a divorce.
Your aim might best be to get her to agree to a fair division of assets and that she agrees to the divorce. A tool to get that goal might be the threat of you filing for divorce based on adultery, and that requiring the OM to be subpoenaed to give evidence.

Keep in mind that Arizona has rather strict laws regarding expected privacy, so unless you have regular access to her phone then what you found (and copied) might not be acceptable.

Thanks for the insight. I'm not going to do anything until I get back to the United States and talk to a few lawyers. My ultimate goal is a fast divorce that is unmessy as possible.
I will notify the other betrayed spouse but I'm worried about her reaction. I'm a pretty emotionally-controlled person but I never met her. I would hate for her to physically assault my wife and just make this even more messy. In my military and law enforcement career I've seen scenarios where the betrayed spouse directs their anger only at the cheater.
I also do not need false charges of domestic violence against me. I have to make sure my duty and private weapons are secured in a distant location in case she does play that game. That could keep me riding the desk forever. Anyway, this is one big, fine mess that has kept me sleepless for almost 3 weeks.

If false charges are a concern, buy a voice activated recorder. From the moment you bring up her infidelity and divorce have it on you and running anytime you’re together.

Security cameras in the common areas of the house should also be considered if you’re going to have to be under the same roof for an extended period.

If you have a LEO background, then you probably have ample experience in dealing with domestic abuse.
The risk of false accusations is a real one, but you also probably know from experience what the preferred protocol is for reacting to domestic abuse. Like I recall that when the abuse wasn’t clear or obvious our goal was simply to get one partner to agree to stay elsewhere for some time, with no admission or assumption of abuse.
You also probably know better than us the laws on recording and all that. Like the idea of a security camera, it is a good one, as long as it is clear that everyone in the home knows about it. If you were to install one without the knowledge of the residents of the home, it becomes abuse. Same with a camera in the bedroom, bathroom or places with expectations of privacy.
Have a VAR, but IMHO the main objective of the VAR is to prevent false accusations rather than catch them. If she escalates – you pull out the VAR and the first thing you record is you saying at least 2-3 times "I am recording this for my own protection. I am making you aware that I am recording what is going on".

I can share that I – as a former cop – would lean towards the side of the wife if her husband shared secret recordings. I would think this premeditated, where the husband created the scenario and then pulled the wife into the recorded area to "frame" her.

Here are some suggestions:
Lay off the booze. A sniff of alcohol always puts you in a worse position to the responding LEO.
Avoid arguments. The fact of the matter is that you are filing, divorcing and all that. Arguing about why she "had" to have the affair, how you didn’t take care of her or whatever has no purpose or goal. Just walk away. If she chases – the VAR with my warning as the first recording.
Avoid arguments (heated) about the divorce. You make her an offer and then she can discuss it with your attorney or her attorney.
Keep a distance. If that means sleeping in the spare room – not an issue. It’s only temporary. Sinc you are determined to divorce, your key is to keep the pressure on that process and to move as fast as possible.
You are divorcing... If she is tasteless enough to dress up to go date OM, or doesn’t come home at expected times... Not your issue. Don’t let her goad you into arguments or anger. It’s only temporary.

As a cop – ever had someone stand a foot from you talking about the smell of bacon, how they really pay your wages and all that? Your training prevents you from bashing their head in. You need the same sort of attitude here... The goal is to get out of this the safe and correct way. Keep your eye on the end-goal.

First, thank you for your service. Second, thanks for being a cop. As a social worker who has worked many cases with cops I know the stress of your job. I also know you hate domestic issues so pay attention to Bigger. Don’t let your grief and anger cause you to do something you will regret.

A good lawyer is going to guide you through this with as little emotion as possible.

Your son is going to be a mass of hormones. He might become very angry, even outraged, once you separate. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist whose specialty is children. They can give you suggestions on how to tell him, and how to handle the after effects. If possible do a hobby together, but spend as much time as you can with him. A caveat. The first hormone that hits is now in charge. His rational brain is taking a nap. I think being guided by a professional will help you and he might need therapy as well. AND his desire to be as far away from adults as possible is nature’s way of preparing him to move out at some point.

I study by reading and by watching experts and every doctor says to do strength training. Buy some weights to wrap around your ankles. Sit in a straight chair and lift you legs, one at a time, 10 times. Hand weights should be your go to daily. My orthopedist said he would not do as many knee surgeries if people did those simple leg lifts. Get outside. Getting sunlight on your face early in the morning is extremely important. This helps with overall health. Join a group that does things you are interested in. If you have a buddy that makes you laugh have him on speed dial. Laughter is healing. Walk rather than ride.

Your body is under siege. It recognizes danger. Your "lizard" brain cannot tell the difference between a lion and your wife’s behavior. Both are threatening to your life. Talk to a dr about meds for anxiety and sleep. Don’t be stoic and think you are "handling" it. No one can. It is a hit to your entire being. Pay attention to how you are feeling and get help if you need it.

This place is your backup but I hope you have someone who supports you while you go through this. Please take care of yourself.

Thanks for the replies. I'm getting ready to return to the U.S. Wife still doesn't know that I know. She's too busy getting her beauty treatments here (cheaper) to impress her boyfriend when we get back I'm sure. I'm a LEO but my organization is federal so we don't investigate domestic abuse. I have backed up local PDs here enough on them to get an idea. I'm going to call divorce lawyers as soon as I get back. I'll keep you posted.

Good luck. I hope things go your way.

I'm back in the United States now for a week. I waited for the right time to confront my wife. I did it yesterday morning before she went to work. I'm sure she was getting dressed in sexy clothes for him again and I couldn't stand it.
She was shocked when I confronted her and tried to trickle-truth me that it was just flirtatious texting. Then I showed her the picture (from her own text string) of her performing oral sex on him. Then I mentioned I'm going to talk to divorce lawyers. I already had a telephone interviews set up with a few. That brought complete begging for forgiveness. She was crying hysterically that she didn't want to lose me.
She told me hat most was just sexting and that she had only perform oral sex and hand jobs on him a number of times. She repeatedly denied actual intercourse. I asked her when the physical stuff began. But she was crying so uncontrollably I couldn't get a direct answer.
I started looking through the text string in front of her(much to her horror.) I saw the actual video of her giving him a hand job while he was on a telephone meeting. I asked her two additional questions: if she sexted him while we were on vacation and if she contacted him while we were back. She said no. The text string showed that was a lie.
From just a quick investigation I think the sexual stuff started around April of last year. They still had contact way before that (more than professional communication.) I told her that if she wants him I will gladly divorce her to where she can be a single woman. She cried she only wants me and doesn't want to lose me. I told her no more contact with him. Also no more sexy outfits at work.
I said if we do try to reconcile there will still be a lot of big changes in our relationship. She (or he) will have to find a new job. I told her to tell him he has one week to confess to his wife (I still need to get her number). She agreed to all of it. I'm still going to talk to divorce attorneys to keep the pressure on/explore my options.
I asked her what she saw in this guy. I'll confess he is younger and in better shape that me. He is also more endowed (ugh I saw too many pictures). She said she was attracted and lonely. She admits to having a crush on him for several years. She still will not tell me when it began. I'm really not sure how to feel. Her immediate crying and begging softened me up I not going to lie. She said she just "messed up a little." That however still stiffens my resolve: she schemed, lied and threw herself at this guy for well over a year! I'm confused but I know enough from this site to not give reconciliation that easily or to rug sweep. Thanks and I'll keep you posted.

To each his own, but for me it really doesn’t sound like you have much to reconcile to...
You have been suspecting your wife of infidelity since 2019, and she has had all that time to develop and grow her emotions to OM. The odds of this affair being over are really slim. Like really slim.

I want to encourage you in the strongest way possible to consult with a divorce attorney. Be very clear on what the best case, worst case and likely case outcome might be. As-is you have both the grounds for a quick divorce from a covenant marriage, as well as probably the best tool to leverage her acceptance of a quick divorce from a covenant marriage.
At the very least check the validity of a postnup in your area. As a rule, they can’t be seen as one-sided or heavy-handed, but you could – for example – state in a postnup that if you divorce then she get’s the off-shore properties and you get all equity in the family home.

Why does she get a week to quit? Is the OM her boss or supervisor or owner of the company? Offering hj’s at meetings at work and sharing recordings indicates a level of comfort beyond some random and irregular hookups.
Why even ask her to quit? If you divorce, having her in a job will be positive towards possible spousal support.

No – She doesn’t tell the OM wife. You do.

The words "she had a crush on him" may be hard to swallow.

I hope she is willing to work hard to keep your marriage together.

There is a book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

I suggest she reads it (and you too).

Wrong forum

[This message edited by 1994 at 3:12 AM, Thursday, July 3rd]

If you think you have anything close to the truth or that she will be willing to give up a man she’s been infatuated with for 6 years, I have a bridge to sell you.

"She still will not tell me when it began."

Unacceptable.

Best wishes.

My W turned on a dime, but it was after only 4.5 months, she never had a crush on ow, and she completely stopped lying when she revealed her A. I developed a crush in our 11th year of M while working away from home. The crush stopped completely the instant I saw my W on my first weekend trip home.

So I can see ending a 5 year crush the moment your W was confronted, but not when dishonesty continued. Honesty is crucial; without it, R is impossible.

I think https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/ is better than the MacDonald book, I suggest printing out the first post in the tread, cutting out any header that refers to SI, and asking your W if she'll read and follow the guide. If she will, R is a possibility, but only a possibility.

But the biggest, most important question, IMO, is, 'What do you want?' If you're done, accept it and end your M. Don't start R unless you know you'd want to R if certain requirements are satisfied. And check out your requirements to make sure they're possible and sufficient to meet.